Hope That Does Not Disappoint

"we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:2-5)

Gabriel Matthew,

Yesterday, we greeted you with tears and smiles.  Our journey to you has been one of trial and hearatache and yet hope at the center of it all.  When I look at you, I see 7 lbs. of hope that does not disappoint.  You are God's gift to us--a picture of truth, strength, and hope.  We love you forever.

37 Week Update

I went to the doctor yesterday--here is where I am at this point:

*1 cm dilated
*60% effaced
*-1 station

That apparently means nothing, but it's more progress than I had with Noah when my labor officially started!  I would LOVE to have Gabe with us for Christmas, so tomorrow, I start walking.  A lot . . . more . . .

Any Day Now . . .

As the days continue to pass, Gabe's birth is getting closer and closer. His due date is 2 1/2 weeks away, so it really is only a matter of time now. I wanted to do a comparison post on this pregnancy vs. Noah's pregnancy while I'm still pregnant, so here goes:

*I am in much better shape with this pregnancy. I don't get winded unless I have to bend over and do something, ie scrub the bathtubs. A lot of the differences this time around are because I continued to exercise 5-6 days a week, so I definitely recommend exercise and pregnancy!

*The swelling has not been nearly as bad. I can still wear my rings and my normal shoes. Conversely, I still get cankles from time to time when I have to sit or stand for long periods of time.

*I have had a ton of contractions this time, and they started months ago. With Noah, I had zero until we showed up at the hospital.

*My skin has been really itchy this time. The veins in my belly are visible, and it looks like I have a bruise around my belly button.

*My joints feel pretty good. Last time, my left hip was incredibly painful toward the end, giving me the pregnancy-waddle. I do NOT waddle around! The only thing that's been frustrating lately is my groin muscle feels like it's going to give out at times. I had to cut out running altogether beginning last week as a result. I figured making it to 36 weeks and still being able to run was pretty good.

*I've been in nesting mode a lot longer this time around.

*The heartburn has been equally bad.

*My iron has been equally low.

*Neither Gabe nor Noah kept me awake at night or woke me up with movement. From what I remember, I think we see Gabe's limbs more than we did Noah's. It's pretty crazy to actually see a foot, leg, elbow, etc. move across my belly.

*I feel like I haven't been as tired this time around, and I think it's because I can't be tired with an almost-three-year-old. It's just not an option among his activities, our activities as a family, and work and home responsibilities. Chris is an amazingly AWESOME helper with all things Noah and domestic, so I think that's why I haven't been too burdened, even having a three-year-old this time around.

I think that's all . . .

Hopefully, Gabe will make his appearance soon. I didn't ever get to the point with Noah where I was ready to be DONE, and I'm not feeling that way this time either. I'm just ready to get the show on the road and really don't want to be in the hospital on/for Christmas!

Fourteen Years Ago Today . . .

. . . Chris received the bone marrow transplant that saved his life. Eleven years post-transplant, we were awaiting Noah's arrival. Fourteen years post-transplant, we await Gabe's arrival! I just wanted to mark this day as a reminder of God's ultimate goodness to Chris, to me, and to our family.

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

~Psalm 103:1-5

Final Stretch

I can't believe my pregnancy is now full term. I was telling Chris that I feel like I've been pregnant FOREVER, and he agreed, pointing out that we've been living this pregnancy for over a year. We started talking about a second try on our cruise last year, met with our amazing doctor at Duke in January, started the actual process after that, and then began the pregnancy.


To say that it feels surreal to be this close to the end of the pregnancy would be an understatement. I can't even imagine what our new life is going to look like, and I am anxious to get to know Gabe and his temprament. I wonder all the time if he's going to be like Noah, look like Noah, act like Noah, etc. and yet I know that he is a unique individual and will come with his own personality. I would be lying if I didn't confess that I hope and pray he has Noah's joy and enthusiasm about life and love of sleep!


At the same time, I find myself going back more frequently to thoughts of Gabe's twin. The loss still feels so close sometimes, and I'm wondering how this birth is going to feel in light of the loss . . .

What I do know is that his life is a precious gift that will bring us much joy. In spite of the questions I have about what he will look like, what his disposition will be, what his challenges will be, I know without a doubt that he will bring us much joy . . .

Maternity Photos

I just love, love, love the photos my friend Beth took! Here they are in slideshow format!

34 Week Update

I had my 34 week appointment today, which was uneventful. My iron is lower, so I have a stash of prescription iron pills and a list of iron rich foods to eat. I'm measuring right on track, Gabe's heart rate is perfect, and all is normal. Since we are traveling for Turkey Day, we had a discussion about what to do if something happens (ie--labor). Nothing probably will, but they gave me a copy of our records to take to the nearest ER just in case.

In some ways, I wish I hadn't gotten a copy. All the reminders of the heartache of the first half of this process are recorded in words and pictures. Looking at the dates, the notes, the most confusing picture of my life, "Twins" crossed out and "vanished" written--I can't explain it, but it still stings and brings tears to my eyes . . .

At the end of the day, however, I am thankful. I am thankful that we have a crazy almost-three-year-old. who is currently fighting his nap. I am thankful for the strong elbows and feet moving within. I am thankful for "boring" doctors appointments. I am thankful to be considered a huge success story in the realm of fertility treatment. I am thankful to have a husband who has held on (for dear life at times) to me and to the joy of new life. And I am even thankful for the hard days that have made the good days sing so much sweeter.

The Four of Us

Love these candid shots by my friend Beth. Not many of our family shots turned out because our Noah is a squirmer, but these are great shots of us being just us!

Name Choice . . .

When we were looking at names in our last pregnancy, we chose "Noah" because we liked it and the meaning fit perfectly: peace. God gave us such peace throughout the fertility process and all the decisions, pregnancy, labor and delivery, etc. I really couldn't sum it up with a better word: peace . . .


This time, we have had a lot of unexpected things come up, beginning with the polyp-removal surgery I had after our kick-off ultrasound. To say that this whole process has been tougher than we ever imagined would be an understatement. The physical difficulties, however, haven't been nearly as tough as the emotional and spiritual struggle. I found myself praying for strength quite often--sometimes for strength to simply get out of bed. The theme of the journey this time around has been STRENGTH.

**When we first found out we had a twin pregnancy, I picked a verse for each baby. Baby A's verse was Psalm 18:32: "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

**Isaiah 40:28-31 was a lifeline to me throughout some dark days--physically and emotionally.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

So, friends, we have picked a name for our next baby boy. His name will be . . .

Gabriel "Gabe" Matthew Straits

Gabriel="God is my strength" or "Strong man of God"

Matthew="Gift of God"

God has truly been my strength from day one of this process, and I pray that Gabe will continue to walk in His perfect strength throughout his life, recognizing that his life is inded a gift to this world!

Moments to Memorize

I just left Noah's room after our usual bedtime routine got a little "derailed" and am still smiling! Noah is getting more and more fascinated with my growing belly--so much so that he is now pulling my shirt up more often to "be nice" to the baby, to "kiss baby!" or to just say "Hi, baby!" Tonight, we started to pray for the baby, and he immediately pulled my shirt up and started rubbing my belly. Our sweet baby boy decided it was a good time to wake up and promptly started to kick at Noah's hand. Noah thought it was absolutely HILARIOUS! He was giggling and giggling and then would pause, waiting with anticipation, when Baby would sit still for a few seconds. As soon as he started moving/kicking again, Noah would laugh and laugh! He then started saying, "Again, baby!" and wanted to "kiss baby!" over and over. What a special moment between brothers my heart wants to memorize . . .

Happy Halloween

Thanks to Baby for making this year's costume somewhat easy!

THE Outfit

Even though we don't need much baby clothing, I was looking at the newborn stuff on clearance at Target just for fun. Noah pulled this newborn-sized outfit off the rack and wouldn't let it go. He kept saying, "I hold it! For baby! I hold it!" Since he was so attached to the idea of it from the outset (and because Mommy thought it was cute and on sale), I couldn't let it go. We think it's going to be Baby's coming home outfit . . .

Good choice, Noah!

Pregnancy Update

I went to the doctor Tuesday of this week, and all is well. Baby's heart rate is perfect and changes often, indicating he is getting plenty of oxygen from the placenta.

I am measuring right on track, and we had a heart-to-heart about my weight. At first, they told me I had to gain more weight since I was underweight to begin with. Now . . . I think they're wanting me to slow it down, but I got lots of reassurance that I'm doing everything right with continuing to exercise. I am going to try to up my protein intake and see if that helps slow the weight gain down some, but I really don't know what else I could possibly do. It's so annoying to be killing myself in the gym 6 days a week and yet still piling on the pounds. UGH!!!

Overall, I am feeling OK. I get kicked in the ribs and punched in the bladder quite often, which gets annoying after a while--it affects my ability to breathe normally and has me in the bathroom a LOT. My heartburn is getting B-A-D at night, so I think it's time to retire the Tums and move on to the big guns.

Well, that's all for now! I will post a pic of the outfit Noah picked out for his brother later today! It's PERFECT!

Almost 30 . ..

Here I am on the edge of turning 30--in years and in weeks of pregnancy. I am still feeling good for the most part, though I can tell my stamina is waning as my size is waxing. In spite of my best efforts, my weight continues to rise, which I'm hoping translates into a healthy baby and a healthy milk supply! Someone told me today at Harvest Day I should hold up Noah's pumpkin next to my belly and take a picture. Thaaankss . . .

Anyway, here we are!

A Week's Time

We have really gotten into gear around here with baby prep. Nesting has kicked in a little early for us, but I do not want to be 37 weeks pregnant and still working to get things together. If we had to, we could bring Baby home tomorrow and be ready to go. That's great for my mental health--I was starting to get stressed by everything we had to do. I still feel like there's some things we need to do, but not nearly as much as before. Chris did a great job clearing out the guest room, painting the walls, and putting the crib together. Here is the story of our work-in-progress . . .

Preparing to paint . . .

What Chris accomplished while I was at work and during Noah's naptime:

Notice the wall color. Noah woke up from his nap just as Chris was finishing up the painting. So, when I got home from the gym and was about to step in the shower, Noah came around the corner, dragging a paint roller full of that yellow. It was all over the carpet, our wood floors, his pants, his hands, etc. It was such a horrifying sight. If I weren't so shocked and rushed to get it cleaned up ASAP, I would've photographed the scene for posterity's sake. It was quite a sight. We got most of it up, but I can still see a slight remnant on the carpet. Oh, well. Such is life with a two-year-old. I couldn't help but chuckle when I heard Noah telling a surprisingly calm, yet focused-on-cleaning-up Daddy, [with such sincerity and conviction] "Ohhhh, noooo! Daddy paint big mess! I do it!" All Chris could say was, "Yes, you did. You made a big mess with daddy's paint." If you know Chris and could see the stress in his eyes when Noah has his markers out and waves them around with caps off saying, "I color!", this would be somewhat entertaining to you as well. ANYWAY . . .

After the Yellow Paint Incident of 2009, Chris moved on to putting the crib together.

Noah wanted to help . . .

. . . but had more fun playing with the empty crib box.

When it was all done, Noah came in and enthusiastically stated, "Baby's bed! Seep in there!"
Here is a wide-angle view of the basic set-up of the room:

I spent a few hours yesterday going through boxes of clothes and trying to get the closet in some order. We have to get some more hangers for our 0-3 stuff, but this is what we've done so far. We just need to find the bibs box . . .

We got the bottles out and in the cabinet, though we realized we loaned our good bottles to someone. We *think* the people we loaned to moved away a few months ago, so we're going to have to replace them. Oh, well. We could use what we have for a while, though I used most of those for the pump last time. Hopefully, this little one will have more luck with nursing!

Here is the crib, set up and ready to roll!


So, friends, we have all the big things in place, though like I said, we still have some work to do in the next 10 weeks or so!

Progress

The crib we ordered finally came in . . .

The guest room has begun a transformation . . .

And we finally saw a crib set we liked--and it's not blue! I'm pretty sure we're going to paint the room a pale yellow or light green, but we're still a long way off from painting.

Things are slowly coming together, which is good seeing as the final trimester begins tomorrow and I'm technically 8 weeks away from full term/36 weeks. YIKES!

Update

I had a routine doctors' appointment today. It was the glucose test appointment, which meant I had the privelege of drinking a bottle of pure sugar water. It tastes like flat sprite.

Anyway, everything looked fine, normal, for the most part.

• I gained 1 lb. since my last appointment.
• My iron level was better than last time but still low. I have to take an iron supplement (over-the-counter) to see if it is up by the next appointment. If not, I get the prescription again. I had the same issue in Noah's pregnancy, so it's not new.
• I am measuring right on track and not ahead like last time. Very helpful on the psyche.
• The contractions I've been having are due to my need for more fluids. I don't know how much more water I can drink without camping out in the bathroom, but I obviously need to amp it up some. If that doesn't help, I will ask them to check things out at the next appointment. The contractions aren't terribly painful--just kind of annoying.
• Baby's heart rate was strong in the 150's range. It's so funny to hear him sloshing around on the machine. He is not a fan of being poked and already kicks his brother when he's sitting on my lap. And thus, we begin . . .

In baby prep news, we have ordered a crib finally! We found some cute bedroom furniture for Noah on Craigslist, so he will be getting a "big boy" room; the nursery stuff (changing table, closet organizer, etc.) will be moved to the new nursery.

We are struggling to find a theme for the nursery this time. Chris wants to stay away from blue since we did blue with Noah. We also had a pretty obvious theme for Noah with the ark association and all, so we went with animals. This time . . . we're stuck. And nothing really stands out when we look. I have toyed with the idea of re-using Noah's nursery theme, but being a 2nd child myself, I just can't bring myself to do it; I would be betraying my middle child-ness.

Overall, things are going well. I saw on the bottom of my paperwork that I was classified as a "normal pregnancy." I feel like this one has been anything but normal, but we seem to have hit a good stride, I suppose. Praise God for that!

A Public Service Announcement

When you look like this . . . . . . expect to go down a slide like this at high speeds:

We FLEW down this slide, and I guess the physics of the situation (a lot of weight in the front!) contributed to our insane momentum. I have blisters on the back of my feet from this thing, but Noah's laughter on the way down made up for that. It's crazy to think that we'll have a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old when we go back to the farm next year . . .

26 Weeks

Here I am at 26 weeks and feeling larger by the day!

Whoa.

I saw this news story the other week and meant to discuss it. Basically, a couple had a successful in vitro cycle and had left over embryos. Like us, they wanted to give each of their embryos a chance at life, so they went through a FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. They found out they were pregnant . . . with another couple's embryo. I cannot even imagine. The doctor told them that if they chose to continue the pregnancy, they would have to give the baby to the other couple. They chose to continue, knowing that she would not be able to have another pregnancy. Therefore, they are going to use a surrogate for their remaining embryos. UNBELIEVABLE. Here's a CNN interview with the couple . . .



I seriously don't know how this would happen. We confirmed our identity so many times the day of the transfer, and I guess this unnamed clinic didn't have a good enough system in place? It's just craziness! I saw another article that says this sort of thing happens all the time, but it gets swept under the rug through settlements and such. In spite of knowing that Duke is one of the best in country and the best in the southeast (according to US News and World Reports), I can't help but have a slight "What if?" thought . . .

We've joked around about this very thing, but I really cannot fathom what it feels like to go through fertility treatment and all the emotions that go along with that, pregnancy and all the emotions and physical discomforts/changes, delivery and the recovery and to have nothing at the end. And not because of a medical reason or a death but because of someone else's mistake. Oh, I would be so angry, sad, totally devastated. And oh so rich at the end of it all.

Anyway, the most upsetting thing is some of the public comments on the issue via Youtube and other news sources. Some people are so ignorant when it comes to fertility treatment. It's not like you go through months of shots and hormone roller coasters-and thousands of dollars-out of selfishness. And everyone who does IVF/FET is not a wanna be octomom, either. AND we are not "playing God" either. AND no matter WHAT we did--herbs, acupuncture, antibiotics--we were NOT going to get pregnant without the science of IVF. AND Noah was not a premie, underweight, or fraught with defects. Just sayin'.

Update

This update is specifically for Virginia B. Probin, who has reprimanded me for not updating here. :)

I had an appointment last week, and everything with Baby Boy was fine. We've had some crazy family issues lately, and I was concerned my stress might have translated to him. BUT his heartbeat was strong, and it is such a glorious sound to hear. I was so proud that my guess on how he was sitting was 100% correct. I can feel very distinctly hand movements vs. feet movements! I'm officially a pro!

The one major downer was the discovery that I have already gained 15 lbs. and was measuring ahead of 24 weeks. I am seriously confused as I work out 5-6 days a week, running at least 3 miles 2x week and weight training the other days. I guess my body is going to do what it's going to do, so I need to relax, be healthy, and chill about the scale. It's so hard!!!

As far as the nursery goes, we have done nothing since washing, folding, and sorting the baby clothes. I was reminded this morning that I am nearing the third trimester, so I guess we need to get moving! It's so different when you have a 2 1/2 year old who has an ever-expanding social calendar: among speech therapy, pre-school, soccer, and church, I feel so busy with Noah and making sure he is adequately stimulated and thriving.

I don't think I've mentioned this here yet, but I am once again able to share pregnancy with my sister! She is due March 6, about 2 months after we are! I love seeing our boys together now and am so glad our next children will also get to grow up together!

So . . . that's all on this end! :)

23 weeks, almost 24!

So It Begins . . .

We have begun the process of preparing for baby. Can I say that I don't want to see another piece of baby clothing? We have SO MUCH! I didn't even realize how much it was. Here is HALF of what we have. . .

Now that I look at the pictures again, it doesn't seem like that much. Trust me, though--it was overwhelming. (Is it bad that I thought about how much money I could make by selling all these at KidExchange when we're done with babies?) Anyway, everything is washed, folded, and sorted. Now, we just need to work on getting the room ready!

21 Weeks, Almost 22

Here is what me + baby boy look like right now . . .

Even though I received my first comment on my size the other day, I'm feeling good these days! I've been able to work out 5 days a week, running three miles some days (much slower than my normal pace). At the same time, the typical pregnancy stuff is there--forgetfulness (so frustrating!), leg cramps a night, heartburn, restless leg syndrome, interrupted sleep, and a little acrobat who travels with me everywhere! Chris has begun the clothes sorting process, but that's really all we've done so far. I should probably photograph that process because it is beastly . . .

That's all for now!

Half Way

I realized yesterday that this pregnancy is half-way done! That's kind of scary because I don't feel "ready" in the least. BUT, we have time to get things done, right? Here is what we need to accomplish, preferably in the next three months because the holiday season is fast approaching:

1. Go through Noah's baby clothes:

• Sort
• Wash
• Fold
• Put away

2. Clear out guest room (I'm dreading this!)

• Pack up bed
• Find a place for the printer, wireless router, and other junk in there
• Figure out what to with everything in the closet in there
• Talk about how our house is already feeling too small for us.

3. Figure out what baby stuff of Noah's we need to replace. We got several big things used with him. Here is what I know we need:

• stroller/carseat combo (is it worth getting one Noah can ride in, too?)
• swaddlers
• pacifiers
• baby bath tub
• bouncy seat
• Boppy for lounging (not a fan of the Boppy for nursing)
• Maybe a new pump? I used my Medela pump full-time for a year, so I need to get it out and test it. I probably need new attachments at least.
  

4. Pick out crib.

5. Pick out bedding/color scheme for nursery.

6. Decorate nursery. Make letters of baby's name to hang on the wall. (The big news is coming soon!)

7. Get Noah books about being a big brother.

8. Pray about this transition.

9. Save more money so our savings isn't depleted when I don't work for four months.

10. Pray.

11. Continue to live life raising a two-and-a-half-year-old who is starting pre-school and speech therapy. Oh yeah, we also work and serve at church.

12. Pray some more because seeing this list is causing me some stress! Yikes!

Sigh . . .

Is

Several things have happened lately that I didn't think ever would:

(1) On our date last night, we went to Pottery Barn to look for bedding, and I was OK and actually enjoyed doing so. On the way home, we stopped at Target, and I was able to look at baby stuff and actually enjoy it.

(2) I got annoyed when the sales associate at Pottery Barn asked me if I was expecting and then looked shocked when I said we already knew the gender and were due in about four months. My theory that I just look chubby was confirmed--if someone didn't know me, he or she would never guess I was pregnant. I guess my annoyance is evidence that I'm ready for people to know.

(3) I was pulling out my Lean Cuisine from the microwave in the teachers' lounge the other day, and I turned around to one of my students standing there. The first thing she said was, "So when are you due?" I paused for a minute and finally said, "In January." She fired back, "I heard it was twins." I said, "Noo . . . where did you hear that?" She said one of last year's kids told her, which I still have no idea how this got out. My theory is that a teacher mom who heard from somebody else told her kid, and it got out that way. Anyway, I was able to say calmly, "We're having a little boy and are excited about a brother for Noah!" She said, "Well, congratulations!" and walked out. It was such a strange situation--kind of like an ambush, actually--but I was glad to know that I could respond OK and be comfortable. A month or two ago, I probably would've had a break down.

******
There are things that still sting a little bit and probably always will, but I am learning how grief and joy can co-exist. It is not confusing anymore; it just is, and it's OK. And I'm OK.

Options . . .

Check out the sidebar for a poll of the names we are thinking about for Baby Boy Straits. Cast your vote for what you think! Here are some requirements:

(1) It needs to sound "right" with Noah. I want to say, "Here are our boys, Noah and _____." "Noah and Tyler" sounds strange.

(2) It needs to have a flowy rhythm among first, middle, and last names.

(3) Chris thought it would be "neat" to have all of our middle initials start with "M." He and Noah are both Michael, and my middle name is my maiden name: McLawhorn.

If you have any other suggestions, comment!

Update on Today

Noah is going to have a brother! Our appointment today went very well: Baby Boy looks "perfect" according to the ultrasound! This little guy is in a very weird position right now. His head is down and curled at a funny angle, so his pictures aren't that good or clear. Usually, I can see ultrasound photos very well, but I was struggling with these since we saw his head from all angles. The ones below are his profile, minus a chin. He does, however, have a chin so that's good news.

The photos . . .

That supposedly is boy parts--I can't see it, but Chris does!

So that's that. Now all we have to do is find a name. It's not as easy second time around . . .

Waiting

Sorry for the lack of updating here! I meant to post a big milestone the other day--Chris was able to feel Baby moving at 17 weeks. It was a moment I smile when I think about. It was a moment I felt like things were almost normal.


I remembered back to Noah's pregnancy--his focused face, waiting for the movement. The question was the same: "Was that you?" Now, how I could make my intenstines kick him in the hand, I don't know, but the question and the "That's so cool!" was familiar and took me back to a time where things seemed so normal and simple. We talked about names, looked at cribs, etc. with ease and without worry.


Right now, I'm waiting for the next "OK." We go back to Duke next Tuesday, and I'm waiting with hope that it will bring us to a place of "normal." Or at least closer. We've definitely made some strides in that direction . . .


The social worker at school stopped me today and said, "The rumor is you're having twins." I teach her daughter this year, who heard from somebody who heard from somebody else that I was having twins. She said that she told her daughter to stop saying that if I hadn't said anything to them. I thanked her before I had to explain that yes, we were at one point but not anymore. She then asked me if I had even mentioned the pregnancy to students, and I explained that I was still waiting for this next ultrasound.


So, for now, I wait. And I'm so grateful for the assuring flutters and pokes that make the waiting less . . . unbearable . . .

Carrying

I've thought a lot my mothering role to our triplet and Baby B. Because of all the medical interventions, I knew I was a mother to them from the absolute earliest stage of life: since their conception. Such knowledge is a gift not many people have, and yet, it has also been the cause of a lot of heartache.

Anyway, I have deduced the following: it seems that my role as a mother to these two tiny lives was/is, quite simply, to carry them. No feeding, no rocking, no trips to the park. Only carrying. That was all there was to be for those two and me, their mother.

In my heart, I hope this carrying dignifies their lives in some way. How could we choose which one(s) to dispose of? Each of them mattered and deserved a chance at life, and I loved them with a mother's heart. And how could I not? They all attached to me, needed me, . .



Now, we have one who continues to depend on me for life, and yet, I'm still carrying all of them. And in a way, I will carry them with me forever.



I made a picture frame that will hang in our bedroom. It is a picture of how I choose to see Who is carrying them now. I would've loved to have framed a picture of me and Chris cradling these babies, but picturing them cradled in the loving arms of Christ is such a comfort . . .


I tried and tried to write a memorial to them based on this concept of carrying, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, I found a song written for someone else's baby in a totally different situation that captures the essence of how I mothered and will continue to mother these two in the coming months and years. The words that accompany it are from the song "I Will Carry You" by Selah.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here.
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years.
I will carry you
All my life.
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you.

The Bump

Here is what my belly looks like right now. In the past week, it (the bump) has become much more defined, though if I'm not wearing maternity clothes, I just look chubby. I'm thinking I need to get more maternity clothes. So here we are, 16 weeks in . . .

Here is what avocado-sized Baby looks like underneath my bump:

Apparently, Baby is gearing up for a growth spurt, which means I am gearing up for a growth spurt as well. Thankfully, I've been able to work out pretty regularly which does wonders for the psyche.

Anyway, that's all on the bump . . .

Movement

Today, I have been feeling signs of life: just a light fluttering, distinct yet gentle, like butterfly wings. I imagine Baby coming out of a nap and stretching and turning the way Noah used to when he was still a baby. I imagine Baby tapping gently as if to say, "I'm still here, Mommy!" The movement is so reassuring and reminds me that yes, I am pregnant. It's crazy, but I've actually had moments of, "Oh, yeah. I'm pregnant." The movement of this little one helps me to move forward--movement in the right direction.
*****
Before bedtime, we pray every night for "the baby on the way." Noah, every now and then, inquires, "Baby way?" (We're still working on forming complete prepositional phrases.) I tell him, "Yes, buddy. Mommy has a baby right here" and point to my belly. Well, today, at the Y while we were checking in and after he made sure he said a very energetic "HII!" to everyone around, Noah pointed to his belly and said quite loudly, "BABY!" People giggled, and I tried to explain quietly that he does not have a baby in his belly--only mommy does. I thought it was so ironic that God would use a two-year-old to force me to acknowledge the pregnancy in public, to face my fear. Movement in the right direction.
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Later on at home, he pointed to my belly and said, "Baby!" I said, "Yes, buddy. The baby is right there." He thought for a second or two and said, "Share trains!" I said, "You want to share your trains with the baby?" He gave the biggest smile and nodded his head yes. All I could do was smile and praise his enthusiasm about the baby and willingness to share his prized possessions. Again, I thought it was so funny how Noah's innocent enthusiasm moved me yet again in the right direction--toward enthusiasm and joy.

I can honestly say that Noah's excitement for this baby is a divine gift given to him because I can also honestly say that he did not pick up on it from me. Rather, I picked up some enthusiasm from him. What a sweet gift from my firstborn, from God . . .

Fear Itself

One of my best friends Ciona sent me a book in the mail that has been a great encouragement to me. It is entitled Birthed in Prayer: Pregnancy as a Spiritual Journey. I love this book for its honesty and for the joy and excitement it has about pregnancy in general. In all honesty, I have not had much joy and excitement about this pregnancy, and it is slowly helping me to uncover it . . . slowly . . .

One of the chapters deals with fear and the many fears that women experience during their pregnancies. The writers point to Jesus who did not shy away from fear: He gave His fear a voice, gave them to God honestly, and then moved forward in obedience.

So, friends, I'm going to give my fear a voice in hopes that I can continue to move forward. My mind knows that my fears are probably not going to materialize into reality, and I'm working and praying that the rest of me gets that memo. Anyway, here goes:

(1) I am afraid that I am not bonding with this baby and what that will mean for us after birth. I am afraid I won't love him as much as I love Noah. I'm afraid that somehow, my lack of enthusiasm is going to scar this little one for life.

(2) I am afraid of people asking me if I'm pregnant. I'm afraid of what my reaction will be and what I will say. I am afraid of coming across like a total freak for being blase about the pregnancy.

(3) On the flip side, I'm afraid to tell people I'm pregnant for many of the same reasons as #2. I know a lot of people at work know I'm pregnant even though I didn't tell them. Therefore, I have no idea who knows what, etc. (That's the joy of working in a small place!) Anyway, I noticed a lot of people awkwardly checking out my belly this week and asking a sympathetic, "So how are you?" I don't look that pregnant at all, but I struggle to say the words, "I'm pregnant . . . 15 weeks . . ."

(4) I am afraid to let go of my fear--for fear that as soon as I do, something terrible is going to happen.

So that's that. I'm so grateful for the Scriptures and the truth I can repeat to myself when my fear bubbles to the surface:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

AMEN!

Update on Duke Visit

Our Duke visit today was pretty uneventful. Baby B is still there, very much visible, though the amniotic sac around him/her is getting noticeably smaller. The doctor told us yet again that eventually it would absorb into the placenta. It was easier to see though still a downer. I'm trying to choose to not let it completely ruin the ultrasound experience . . .

Anyway, Baby A looks great according to the ultrasound tech and the doctor. We were able to see him/her swallowing amniotic fluid, wiggling, turning, etc. I still can't feel any of the movement--it's crazy to see all of that movement and not feel a thing! We have to go back there in four weeks for an anatomy scan, which will be ultrasound #6. Crazy--we only had three with Noah.

I'm still not showing much at all--I am little bit, though I think it just looks like a spare tire and that I'm putting on some weight. I'm finally feeling "normal" again, so yesterday and today I was able to work out and felt GREAT doing so. I'm so glad the first trimester is over!

Anyway, here is a picture of Baby A's profile. I think he/she kinda looks like Noah from the side, but Chris said he didn't see it . . . what do you think?

Duke Perinatal Visit

is tomorrow at 11 am. Still a bit nervous about, but I don't think I'm going to be able to approach an ultrsound with normalcy. I'll update tomorrow afternoon during Noah's naptime . . .

Road to Recovery, Part 2

Like I said in the last post, I feel like the "fog" of grief is starting to lift a bit. I'm still a little "gun-shy" with the remaining pregnancy, meaning I'm paranoid that something else is going to happen. I'm hoping the Duke Perinatal visit next week will help ease some of that and bring us to a firm place of joy. I'm still not "there" yet. Anyway, here are a few things that have helped the healing process along:



(1) I feel that we need to find a way to celebrate the life of Baby B other than by being sad. My sister suggested giving B a name, as there are plenty of names out there that work for both genders. I need to find some way to honor the life without feeling sad/depressed about it. If you have any suggestions, please comment or email me directly!

(2) My doctor from Duke called me. I know that may not sound like much help, but she was very kind about everything. She said that she heard the pregnancy had changed and wanted to check in with us. I was able to ask her about IVF having higher rates of miscarriage, and she said that because of our specific situation, she wouldn't have expected this to happen. Yes, in certain types of fertility problems, miscarriage is more frequent, but not in our situation. It helps to have answers that make sense, even if the answer is that this was just an unexpected "fluke" to our doctor. It also helped me not feel so betrayed that we weren't warned that this was more likely to happen to us because of the IVF.


(3) My friend Jana, who lost two pregnancies, sent me a book entitled When God Lets You Down. I didn't realize it, but that's exactly the sentiment I felt--that God had somehow let me down. After all, didn't we try to do everything right with this whole process? Here is the main truth presented in the book truth that transformed how I view this situation:


The apostle Paul, a man totally devoted to Christ, suffered. Acts 27 and 28 tell the story of Paul, who thought he was on his way to Rome. They encounter a storm, are lost at sea without food for about two weeks, and are shipwrecked on an island on which Paul is bit by a poisonious snake. Paul's suffering landed him exactly where God wanted him to be, not neccessarily where Paul thought he should be or even wanted to be. We can also see that clearly in the life of Christ--suffering led to Jesus completing the will of God.

I don't know where this loss is going to take us, but I'm starting to see now that it is a piece of the puzzle that will lead us exactly where we are supposed to be to complete the plan God has for us. Maybe it is to prepare me to help someone else the way Jana helped me. Maybe it will help me be a better mom to the children we are given. Who knows other than God? But I must learn to trust the process the way that Paul and Jesus and many others did.

So that's kind of where I/we are with things right now. This is, by far, one of the hardest things I've faced in my life, but know that this, too, will work together for our good . . .

Road to Recovery, Part 1

I'm struggling to come up with a good introduction to this, but I guess the title kind of explains things. I want to try to explain what this whole experience has been like so far. My hope is that someone out there will be able to identify with some of what we continue to struggle through. I have found some "answers" here and there, but I want to start at the starting place.


(1) Spiritual questions: Several people said to us after they found out we were having twins, "Wow! God is really blessing you!" After the shock lifted a bit, I started thinking: if that was God's blessing, what is this? Why did this happen to us? Am I the kind of mother who God thinks couldn't handle multiples?


(2) Betrayal: As soon as the regular ob told us that IVF has higher rates of miscarriage, I remember thinking, "WHAT??? NO ONE told us this!" I thought about calling Duke to find out why we weren't told this, but I was way too emotional at the time. I also feel like my body betrayed me in a way.


(3) Conflict: Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time. It is impossible to truly explain how the sorrow eclipses the happiness. Even at Wednesday's ultrasound, we felt this eclipse. I know overcoming this is going to come down to a choice we are going to have to choose, but I will discuss that later on.


(4) Fakin' It: I can't tell you how hard it was to get out of bed some days. And then having to "fake it" through the day and life. "This" all happened my last week of school, and I had to fake it through graduation, meetings, a baby shower for someone else's twins, etc.

(5) Not Fakin' It: There were several days when Noah was the only reason I got out of bed.


Anyway, this post has now taken three days to write, so I'm going to end it here. I think the length of time it took showed me how complicated this whole experience has been for us. All the same, I feel the fog beginning to lift, so I'll try to do a more optimistic post later this week~

Update on Today

The ultrasound today went OK. Baby A looks good--active with a good, strong heartbeat. We were amazed at how much growth has taken place in 2 weeks. You can see the hemispheres of the brain in the head, the ribs, and even a faint line for the spine. We were able to see the spine at a different angle, and he/she appears to be sitting with crossed legs! I wish we were able to have all the pictures, but they only gave us one. The growth and development of these little people are just amazing. Here is A:

And here is what he/she looks probably looks like in "real life." Amazing!

The downer of the whole experience came when we realized that Baby B was still there and very much visible. As soon as the ultrasound started, we saw both of them. We thought that B was going to "vanish" and we wouldn't see him/her again. Well, because I was further along than when the triplet vanished, we are probably going to witness this "vanishing" taking place. Essentially, as Baby A grows, his/her weight is going to crush Baby B into the placenta. The tiny body will probably be visible at Baby A's birth. Here is our Baby B:

Ultimately, we were really caught off guard by seeing B again. It kinda put the loss right back in our faces. And knowing that at future ultrasounds we are going to witness this "vanishing" . . . ugh. I'm already dreading the next one. "Fetal demise" is the label we got. We saw loud and clear on 40-inches of flat screen hooked up to the ultrasound machine. Afterwards, Chris commented that medical people are so insensitive and callous sometimes--turn off the screen and then do your typing.

To add insult to injury, the check-out lady looked at our paperwork and said, "TRIPLETS!!!! WOW!!!" Chris very politely said, "No, not anymore. We started out with three but only have one now." The check-out lady said, "Whoo! That's a relief, huh? I bet you had to have a moment at first! That happened to my friend, too. She started off with three and then she had one!" I just didn't respond. There's no way to really explain to people that this was no accident, that we spent a ton of money and time to create these lives, that we treasured all of them, that we don't have an endless amount of chances at parenthood. She was a super nice lady, so I wasn't upset or anything; just . . . something . . . a sting, maybe.

Anyway, our meeting with the doctor went very well. We saw a different doctor in the practice and LOVED him. He was extremely sensitive and very knowledgeable about this specific situation. He recommended going to Duke Perinatal for another ultrasound in about two weeks to check things out in more detail. Because we miscarried 2 out of 3 in this pregnancy, he recommended we do the scan just to ease everyone's mind. So we'll see.

I can't begin to put into words how confusing this whole experience has been. I'll try and do a separate post later this week about some of that. We greatly appreciate all of the prayers and words of support--they truly mean so much and have always been so timely. Thank you.