Road to Recovery, Part 2

Like I said in the last post, I feel like the "fog" of grief is starting to lift a bit. I'm still a little "gun-shy" with the remaining pregnancy, meaning I'm paranoid that something else is going to happen. I'm hoping the Duke Perinatal visit next week will help ease some of that and bring us to a firm place of joy. I'm still not "there" yet. Anyway, here are a few things that have helped the healing process along:



(1) I feel that we need to find a way to celebrate the life of Baby B other than by being sad. My sister suggested giving B a name, as there are plenty of names out there that work for both genders. I need to find some way to honor the life without feeling sad/depressed about it. If you have any suggestions, please comment or email me directly!

(2) My doctor from Duke called me. I know that may not sound like much help, but she was very kind about everything. She said that she heard the pregnancy had changed and wanted to check in with us. I was able to ask her about IVF having higher rates of miscarriage, and she said that because of our specific situation, she wouldn't have expected this to happen. Yes, in certain types of fertility problems, miscarriage is more frequent, but not in our situation. It helps to have answers that make sense, even if the answer is that this was just an unexpected "fluke" to our doctor. It also helped me not feel so betrayed that we weren't warned that this was more likely to happen to us because of the IVF.


(3) My friend Jana, who lost two pregnancies, sent me a book entitled When God Lets You Down. I didn't realize it, but that's exactly the sentiment I felt--that God had somehow let me down. After all, didn't we try to do everything right with this whole process? Here is the main truth presented in the book truth that transformed how I view this situation:


The apostle Paul, a man totally devoted to Christ, suffered. Acts 27 and 28 tell the story of Paul, who thought he was on his way to Rome. They encounter a storm, are lost at sea without food for about two weeks, and are shipwrecked on an island on which Paul is bit by a poisonious snake. Paul's suffering landed him exactly where God wanted him to be, not neccessarily where Paul thought he should be or even wanted to be. We can also see that clearly in the life of Christ--suffering led to Jesus completing the will of God.

I don't know where this loss is going to take us, but I'm starting to see now that it is a piece of the puzzle that will lead us exactly where we are supposed to be to complete the plan God has for us. Maybe it is to prepare me to help someone else the way Jana helped me. Maybe it will help me be a better mom to the children we are given. Who knows other than God? But I must learn to trust the process the way that Paul and Jesus and many others did.

So that's kind of where I/we are with things right now. This is, by far, one of the hardest things I've faced in my life, but know that this, too, will work together for our good . . .