Road to Recovery, Part 1

I'm struggling to come up with a good introduction to this, but I guess the title kind of explains things. I want to try to explain what this whole experience has been like so far. My hope is that someone out there will be able to identify with some of what we continue to struggle through. I have found some "answers" here and there, but I want to start at the starting place.


(1) Spiritual questions: Several people said to us after they found out we were having twins, "Wow! God is really blessing you!" After the shock lifted a bit, I started thinking: if that was God's blessing, what is this? Why did this happen to us? Am I the kind of mother who God thinks couldn't handle multiples?


(2) Betrayal: As soon as the regular ob told us that IVF has higher rates of miscarriage, I remember thinking, "WHAT??? NO ONE told us this!" I thought about calling Duke to find out why we weren't told this, but I was way too emotional at the time. I also feel like my body betrayed me in a way.


(3) Conflict: Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time. It is impossible to truly explain how the sorrow eclipses the happiness. Even at Wednesday's ultrasound, we felt this eclipse. I know overcoming this is going to come down to a choice we are going to have to choose, but I will discuss that later on.


(4) Fakin' It: I can't tell you how hard it was to get out of bed some days. And then having to "fake it" through the day and life. "This" all happened my last week of school, and I had to fake it through graduation, meetings, a baby shower for someone else's twins, etc.

(5) Not Fakin' It: There were several days when Noah was the only reason I got out of bed.


Anyway, this post has now taken three days to write, so I'm going to end it here. I think the length of time it took showed me how complicated this whole experience has been for us. All the same, I feel the fog beginning to lift, so I'll try to do a more optimistic post later this week~