Different

One thing I can say for sure is that this whole experience is changing me. I can feel it happening but will probably not know how until much later. There are things that I thought and felt that I look back on and see differently now. It's almost like I knew something like "this" was going to happen all along.

I've said a zillion times that this time felt so different than my pregnancy with Noah. The certainty and full, complete joy were not there like they were with Noah. The doubt, however, was always there. I called all week last week to try and get into the ob early for this last ultrasound. Why? I felt like I needed that before I put the news on our family's blog and Facebook, told students, etc. It's funny how I just dismissed that as normal anxieties. It wasn't. I was knowing the truth of yesterday before I was told about it.

I thought about our petri dishes from the lab this morning and realized something different about them, the way they were separated . . .

My sister sent me a photo last week. She took it as a memorial for Noah's embryo and our vanishing triplet, but when I saw it, I felt differently about it. I can't explain how I felt it was different, but I just had a thought that something was different about this one. It is entitled "Swinging Somewhere" and I know what it means now and why I felt differently about it when I saw it . . .

To my babies,

I want to find the perfect words, but language falls so short today. I want you to know how much we wanted you, loved you, and celebrated you. You brought joy and amazement to so many, and you showed us the power of God. The selfish side of me wants you for me, yet I know that God's plan for you is so much better than the best of this world. I am so thankful that He allowed us to see you even though it is painful now. You left this world loved and celebrated, never having let anyone down or experienced pain, failure, disappointment, and rejection. How blessed you are to only know a warm, safe place and Heaven! I am so happy for you even though I am sad for me. I guess that's what being a mom is all about; I just never wanted to give you up this soon. We'll see you soon . . .

Love forever,

Mommy