Carrying

I've thought a lot my mothering role to our triplet and Baby B. Because of all the medical interventions, I knew I was a mother to them from the absolute earliest stage of life: since their conception. Such knowledge is a gift not many people have, and yet, it has also been the cause of a lot of heartache.

Anyway, I have deduced the following: it seems that my role as a mother to these two tiny lives was/is, quite simply, to carry them. No feeding, no rocking, no trips to the park. Only carrying. That was all there was to be for those two and me, their mother.

In my heart, I hope this carrying dignifies their lives in some way. How could we choose which one(s) to dispose of? Each of them mattered and deserved a chance at life, and I loved them with a mother's heart. And how could I not? They all attached to me, needed me, . .



Now, we have one who continues to depend on me for life, and yet, I'm still carrying all of them. And in a way, I will carry them with me forever.



I made a picture frame that will hang in our bedroom. It is a picture of how I choose to see Who is carrying them now. I would've loved to have framed a picture of me and Chris cradling these babies, but picturing them cradled in the loving arms of Christ is such a comfort . . .


I tried and tried to write a memorial to them based on this concept of carrying, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, I found a song written for someone else's baby in a totally different situation that captures the essence of how I mothered and will continue to mother these two in the coming months and years. The words that accompany it are from the song "I Will Carry You" by Selah.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here.
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years.
I will carry you
All my life.
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you.