Is

Several things have happened lately that I didn't think ever would:

(1) On our date last night, we went to Pottery Barn to look for bedding, and I was OK and actually enjoyed doing so. On the way home, we stopped at Target, and I was able to look at baby stuff and actually enjoy it.

(2) I got annoyed when the sales associate at Pottery Barn asked me if I was expecting and then looked shocked when I said we already knew the gender and were due in about four months. My theory that I just look chubby was confirmed--if someone didn't know me, he or she would never guess I was pregnant. I guess my annoyance is evidence that I'm ready for people to know.

(3) I was pulling out my Lean Cuisine from the microwave in the teachers' lounge the other day, and I turned around to one of my students standing there. The first thing she said was, "So when are you due?" I paused for a minute and finally said, "In January." She fired back, "I heard it was twins." I said, "Noo . . . where did you hear that?" She said one of last year's kids told her, which I still have no idea how this got out. My theory is that a teacher mom who heard from somebody else told her kid, and it got out that way. Anyway, I was able to say calmly, "We're having a little boy and are excited about a brother for Noah!" She said, "Well, congratulations!" and walked out. It was such a strange situation--kind of like an ambush, actually--but I was glad to know that I could respond OK and be comfortable. A month or two ago, I probably would've had a break down.

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There are things that still sting a little bit and probably always will, but I am learning how grief and joy can co-exist. It is not confusing anymore; it just is, and it's OK. And I'm OK.