Prominence

I don't have much to say about being pregnant and not knowing numbers right now. Grief and death do that I suppose. Right now, Brandy's death is in a place of prominence in my heart.

I honestly don't/can't feel joyful right now, but I am. I very much am. I know that I am even though I can't feel it right now. I feel guilty sometimes about that, but I'm so glad that God knows the heart. Here is what I know:

(1) Tuesday was a day I can sum up in this concept, a concept I discussed with my students just the other day: How can the same thing be so beautiful and so ugly? That was Tuesday in a nutshell for me.

(2) I am beyond-belief tired by 1:30 pm. It is an exhaustion in which I could fall asleep sitting up wherever I am. I normally do not sleep anywhere other than a bed--not in cars, not on planes, etc. I think it's the pregnancy hormones intensified by the emotional exhaustion of grief.

(3) My exhaustion contributes to my lack of patience. And I HATE being impatient.

(4) I really need your prayers right now. This weekend is going to be intense. Brandy's funeral is tomorrow, the candlelight vigil is Saturday, and Monday is remembrance day at school. I don't really know how to ask you to pray, but just pray. For balance. For joy I can feel. For ENERGY . . .