Puzzle Pieces

This is how we've decided to break the news to our parents: puzzles. Both of our moms love puzzles, so we figured this would be a fun way to inform them of our big news. We'll mail my mom's tomorrow, so it should be there Wednesday. Then, we'll give Chris' mom hers on Wednesday as she's leaving in the afternoon. I can't wait for their reaction--we think there's going to be some major shock and awe!

On the topic of puzzle pieces, I love seeing pictures of what our babies look like in utero and how all the "pieces" develop. Here is a 9-week-old baby, which is about where our twins are at this point:

1. Ear

2. Neck

3. Rib outlines

4. Liver

5. Cerebral hemisphere

6. Eye

7. Loops of intestine

8. umbilical cord

Isn't that amazing? I am always in awe about how quickly things develop--definitely explains my extreme exhaustion. Anyway, the picture is way magnified, and from what I've read, our twins are each about the size of a grape.

Stay tuned for parental reactions! And for details about our regular ob appointment tomorrow!

Jeremiah 29:11

I love this verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

The one thing I'm learning once again is that God is the one declaring He has plans for me--good plans. So far, God's plans for my life have been perfect, exactly what I needed and not neccesarily what I wanted.

I can think of several things I have said in the not-so distant past that are turning out to be not what I planned for my life:

(1) I've said to Chris many times since Noah was born, "God wouldn't give me multiples; I think He knows I can't handle it." Chris always responded with, "I wouldn't say that if I were you . . ." Indeed, what a crazy thing to say; I am now carrying multiples.

Baby A

Baby B

(2) I have said a zillion and one times that I would never drive a mini-van. Never. Ever. Not in a million years. Over the course of this week, we've had a lot of discussions about what we were going to do about a vehicle. There is no way our five-seat vehicles could fit three car seats and all the gear that accompanies those seats. We looked at some non-van 7-seaters and found them to be very impractical. The third row of seating is not accessible, and there is zero space for gear in them. Today, I had a huge reality check. Check out our new-to-us mini-van. Sigh.

I have to say that this vehicle--a Kia Sedona--is amazing in that it meets all of our needs. It is cheaper than my old car payment, it has the highest safety ratings of any van, it has a 100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty, it has seats that fold down for hauling massive amounts of belongings, it will fit three car seats quite comfortably, it's getting a DVD player installed next week, it has decent gas mileage, etc. Sigh. I wave my white flag of surrender . . .

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

A Word from Big N

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

From My Sister

My sister is into photography these days--she has a gifted eye for seeing art in simple things and can capture it with the lens. What a gift! She sent me a link to a picture she took for our precious twins, and I LOVE IT! I think it just might end up in a frame on the wall. Anyway, she posted the picture to her Flickr account with a caption. Here it is . . .

...My sister's first son, Noah, was conceived via IVF/ICSI in May 2006 and was born February 4, 2007 . We share this birthday in such a special way. She has been through more than I can possibly understand to become pregnant yet again. This time she's having TWINS. I feel the need to share in her words what has touched my heart. (Due date is January 5, 2010).

"2/17/09To my baby(ies),You are the forefront of our thoughts, prayers, and conversation today. I'm already imagining the energy of your heart beat, the flutter of your elbows and heels, the frenzy of preparation. Never doubt that you are life that was wanted, planned for, and sought after. Every shot, every pill, every dollar was and is worth it, you. We have loved you since your conception years ago. We have loved you, suspended in time. We love you today. And we will love you firmly forever."

More recent writing, beautifully written:

"The blessing I see in being able to carry with me our triplet and Noah's embryo:I don't have to release them to this world. Their physical make-up isa part of me; their spirits are in perfect Paradise. "

More . . .

Now that we know we definitely have two growing babies, here are the stats:

Baby A: 15.9 mm, measuring 8 weeks exactly (sorry it's lopsided!)

Baby B: 11.9 mm, measuring 7 weeks 3 days

Baby B closed the measurement gap by 1 day, so he or she is trying to catch up! It is amazing how much bigger they looked as opposed to a week ago. When I saw them, my extraordinary fatigue and pukiness made a lot of sense. If you check out the baby gaga ticker, it is once again RIGHT. ON. My workout regiment is history for now.

Our triplet is already gone--amazing to me how it just disappears. There was absolutely no evidence of a third, a true vanishing triplet.

I do have to mention how much I love Soonja, our nurse. She is definitely in the right field. I loved how she saw us and came into the ultrasound because she "want[s] to see this!" She's been with us from day 1 (and took my order for pink cupcakes when I was on the crazy drugs), and I really appreciated her stopping what she was doing and sharing our joy!

The doctor said today to expect this pregnancy to be quite different than my singleton (Noah) pregnancy. Our official due date is January 5, but we're probably looking at mid-December for delivery. The fact that Noah was a full-termer is supposedly a good indicator that we can get these babies close to term. I know, however, that's definitely not a guarantee--right, Krista?

Anyway, while we are so excited about our twins, I have to confess something to you, my faithful readers. I said to Chris today, "What have we done? TWINS?!?" The best way to sum up the emotions of this whole thing is BIPOLAR. I'm so excited and so terrified all at once. We'll be going from a family of three to a family of five. We have to get different cars--probably a mini-van (GASP! I swore I would never drive a minivan.) We'll probably have to doctor our house a little bit. We have to double our gear. WOW. It's so overwhelming to stop and think about all of the details!

We go to our regular ob on Monday, but it's just the initial appointment. In the meantime, I continue on with the estrogen patches, the progesterone shots, the extra folic acid, and my prenatal vitamin. And the Zofran.

Stay tuned for how we break the big news to our families! I have some priceless video of Noah and will try to upload that in the next couple of days. Thanks so much for all of your prayers! Keep praying that both babies will grow healthfully and that we will find peace in the chaos and the wide-ranging emotions.

P.S. I have to mention the fear that shot through me when Chris told the front desk lady, "We'll see you in about three years!" We still have one more "batch" of embryos . . . too much to think about right now . . .

Drumroll . . .

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce that . . .

(Drumroll . . .)

We're definitely having twins!!!!

*More details and photos coming soon!

Just as soon as . . .

. . . I write that Noah doesn't like to cuddle much these days, he proves me wrong. I was feeling very tired and nauseated after our second graduation party of the weekend. As soon as we got home last night, I hit the couch, and Chris took over bath and bedtime. Noah was so concerned about me--he came over, started petting my head, and then climbed up to cuddle with me. What a sweet boy he is . . .

Purpose . . .

Before I dive into my latest musing on all of this, I would like to point out my new ticker. I went with the humorous version this week because oh, boy, is it true! My nausea has picked up tremendously. It's not terrible every day, though, and that's a huge praise--with Noah, I seriously could not function for a while. I went ahead and got some Zofran for the bad days, mainly because it's not fair to Noah for me to be totally worthless on the rough days. Anyway, on to my latest thoughts . . .

This morning, I woke up thinking this thought: our triplet has a purpose, too. He or she did not develop, but he or she is attached to me--literally. And my doc said my body will probably just absorb him or her, and so, our triplet will always be apart of me, just as the other embryo transferred with Noah is also a part of me. In a strange way, I feel blessed by this.

The times when Noah wants to be in my arms are limited these days. He is busily excited about this world and wants to move in and explore every corner of it. It is a gift to get to see the wonder in the small things again--ants, flies, trains that stop traffic, 18-wheelers driving slowly, road contruction with big tractors, etc. He sees excitement in things we often regard as nuisances. And yet my prayer for him every night is that he will not be corrupted by this world--that God would guard his heart, mind, and body from evil people and influences. Sometimes, I am so overwhlemed by the reality that I can't protect him forever . . .

The blessing I see in being able to carry with me our triplet and Noah's embryo:

I don't have to release them to this world. Their physical make-up is a part of me; their spirits are in perfect Paradise.

Our triplet is probably not alive anymore. He or she will be classifed in medical terms as a "vanishing triplet." We know, however, that he or she completed the plan God had for him or her; his/her work here is done. My prayer is that God would give me eyes to see that plan, that work, that purpose. I believe that all life--no matter the size of the life--matters.

Most people don't get to know about a "vanishing triplet" since only two (or one) babies are present at the initial ultrasound with a regular ob. Because of our situation and all the monitoring, we know. And there's a purpose even in the knowing.

The Poll

If you participated in our poll on the sidebar and you voted two or three, you win!

All three embryos implanted, so we did have a triplet pregnancy at first. That explains why my HCG level was so high at first.

Since we have two heartbeats, two is also correct!

I guess the "one" votes are also correct. SO, everybody is a winner! Give yourself a pat on the back from me!

I'll probably do another poll in the near future on the gender(s), but I'll see if I can come up with some sort of prize for that one . . .

Thanks again for all of your prayers! Please keep them coming! We have a pretty busy weekend ahead of us, which should help us not anticipate Tuesday too much . . .

The Doctor is In

After talking to my sister on Monday night, I realized that I needed to get some questions answered. We just felt unsettled about everything, and she encouraged us to advocate for ourselves and get our questions answered before Tuesday's appointment.

SO, I decided to email our wonderful doctor to ask her what she thought the prognosis was on our twins. We actually didn't see her on Tuesday; we saw a resident. She was very, very sweet, but we left feeling less than optimistic. In addition, Chris and I both were having some doubts on the impression we were given.

Our doctor called me this afternoon and gave me the following reassurances:

(1) They are looking for heart rates over 110. Both of our babies were over 110, at 121 and 134. She said those were good, solid heart rates.

(2) They are looking for development to be within a week of how many weeks pregnant I am. Both of our babies were within that week range, even if I were at the 7 week point on Monday. I still don't think I was, though. And I forgot to ask her about that . . .

(3) They monitor multiple pregnancies a little more closely so they can give the ob an accurate picture of the pregnancy when we are released from them. She also said the second ultrasound was necessary because we did this one a little early. I looked back and saw that we had Noah's first ultrasound about a week later than we had this one.

(4) She said the doc who saw us was probably a little more intense because there were three sacs to measure.

(5) On Tuesday, we are looking to see growth with both babies.

I so appreciated her taking the time to call me with that info. I guess it's not much different than what we were told before--that we needed to see growth--but I feel so much better knowing from an expert in the field that both babies are actually within normal ranges.

THANK YOU so very much for all the prayers for us and our babies. I cannot even verbalize how much they mean to us. Prayer is all we can do at this point, and yet, it is EVERYTHING we can do, too! THANK YOU and please keep praying for growth!!!!

More on Today

I have to say that today was a roller coaster of emotion. I can't really explain it any other way. It was so exciting to FINALLY see our babies, and yet it was also sad to see the third sack basically empty. THEN, when we heard Baby B was small with a slower heart rate . . . I don't think we knew what to think or feel. Baby A is measuring great, but it was so hard to be fully happy about that.

Here is the rundown:

Baby A is measuring at 6 weeks 6 days, with a heart rate of 134 bpm.
Baby B is measuring at 6 weeks 1 day, with a heart rate of 121 bpm.

Now, the "controversy" begins when we start talking about how far along I actually am, and I think that is definitely a point to consider in all of this. Today, the resident told us I was 7 weeks. Our nurse Soonja told me on the phone I would be just over 6 weeks at today's ultrasound. The IVF due date calculator online has me at 6 weeks 5 days. ? Again, pretty frustrating.

We left being told that we for sure had twins. BUT Baby B was a wait and see. And they didn't assign the third sack a letter. SO . . . it's more waiting . . .

Anyway, here is a little video of today. Again, please pray for Baby B!!!!!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Two

Thank you so much for your prayers! We have a twin pregnancy--2 heart beats! The sad thing is that we had a 3rd sack that is not expected to develop any further. While triplets would be very challenging, it was still hard to see.

The HUGE prayer we have right now is that our twins will grow. Baby B is smaller and with a slower heart beat than Baby A. PLEASE, PLEASE pray that Baby B will continue to grow. We have to go back next week to check on things with Baby B. We heard both heart beats and just fell in love. Thanks so much for your prayers!!!!

I will update with more details on things later. Oh, yeah--and PICS!!!! Just please pray for Baby B . . .

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I can't believe that tomorrow is actually tomorrow! I am so excited to finally know, and I'm so grateful for everyone who has shared the excitement with us!

Our appointment is tomorrow at 11 am. If we didn't have Noah, I think I would've taken the day off tomorrow to just soak it in. (Last time, I was on summer break.) BUT Chris' mom would be pretty suspicious about a drastic change in our schedule, and we are really hoping our news is going to be a tremendous surprise for our families! We're not sure if they have any idea or not, but with Chris' mom being at our house during the week, it wouldn't be difficult to stumble across the needles, medication, etc.

ANYWAY . . .

I've been a little afraid to voice my gut instinct with this, but here goes--I think it's two. Chris thinks it's two as well. But then I sometimes think it's one. And I can't even think about THREE. No matter how many children I'm carrying, whether 0, 1, 2, or 3, we know Who holds tomorrow and that His plans for our family are perfect. And I believe that at my very core in spite of the doubts and fears that I've had throughout this whole process.

Barring any problems, I'm planning to head back to work after the ultrasound, but I will try to update ASAP! Thank you so very much for all of the comments and prayers. They have been such an encouragement to us!

I hope it's not the Cheeseburger . . .

. . . but check out my bump. I cannot believe that I'm 6 weeks and ALREADY have a bump. I hear you show a ton faster the 2nd time around, and that is no joke!

Musings and Such

I can sum up the past two days in one word: FOOD. I feel like I have been eating NON-STOP. The problem I have is quite annoying--the minute I get hungry, I get nauseated. And there is nothing more frustrating than being starving and nauseated. My normal diet is totally out the window, and I'm trying (really hard) to embrace this change enthusiastically.

I'm craving things high in protein and salt, so my body must need those two things to help my baby(ies) grow. ??? I'm still exercising, so I hope it's enough to counterbalance the cheeseburger I just ate. Yes, cheeseburger. I haven't had a cheeseburger in I don't know how long. But I just had to have one tonight! I read that you're not supposed to eat more during the first trimester because it's not necesary, but I seriously don't know who wrote that and why. I'm hungry A LOT.

The one big praise I have right now is that I'm not nearly as sick as I was with Noah at this point. Not even close. On one hand, I'm so grateful that I can manage it and still function at an estimated 80% capacity. On the other hand, I kind of wonder why.

Is something wrong?

I know a lot of women--seven in my immediate surroundings--who have had miscarriages. And I can't help but try and be prepared for the possibility of that. One of my main fears is that Monday's ultrasound shows some kind of problem--no heart beat(s), no growth, etc. I can't even imagine how we'd cope . . .

For now, I'm going to continue to eat crazy amounts of nuts (and hopefully no more cheeseburgers) and meditate on this scripture:

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

251 and 836

251 and 836--I keep repeating that over in my head. Why, you ask? Those were my HCG numbers from my pregnancy with Noah. This time, my numbers were 636 and 2461. Wow. Granted, every pregnancy is different, so I guess I can't read into the numbers too much. BUT it does provide some food for thought . . . hmmmmm . . .

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, one and all! I don't have anything really profound to say at the moment other than I have felt the prayers of many. As difficult as this weekend was, I made it through and had energy!

This might sound strange, but in a way, the business of Brandy's passing has been a gift to me. I haven't had time to think about myself and what is happening with my body and baby(ies). No worries, though--I haven't had any bleeding or anything like that, so I'm sure all is well in there. Thinking of Brandy, praying for her and her family, and participating in her services have helped me deal with the not-knowing in a different way, a healthier way.

She requested that portions of Psalm 118 be read at her funeral, and I was so blessed by that, particularly verse 24: "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." In spite of Brandy's illness and pain, she was able to say this. On the good days, the bad days, the not-knowing days, the days of grief, the days of joy, the days of blessing, the days of letting-go: THIS is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I told you before I was struggling to feel joy in the midst of Brandy's death, and it was like she was releasing me to feel that joy in a way. My heart still hurts for her and the pain she experienced in her final hours, the pain her family is currently experiencing. But I am joyful for all the ways God has blessed us and will NOT take such blessing for granted.

Here is what was in our mailbox yesterday:

You probably can't read it very well, but it's basically a run-down of the embryo transfer. It says:

Number of embryos frozen: 6

Number of embryos thawed: 3

Number of embryo survived: 3

Number of embryos transferred: 3

Number of embryos remaining cryoperserved (frozen): 3



We are so, so blessed beyond measure. And I am so grateful that God reminded me of all the reasons I have to be joyful in the midst of grief . . .


(My sister took this picture in Brandy's memory . . . )

Prominence

I don't have much to say about being pregnant and not knowing numbers right now. Grief and death do that I suppose. Right now, Brandy's death is in a place of prominence in my heart.

I honestly don't/can't feel joyful right now, but I am. I very much am. I know that I am even though I can't feel it right now. I feel guilty sometimes about that, but I'm so glad that God knows the heart. Here is what I know:

(1) Tuesday was a day I can sum up in this concept, a concept I discussed with my students just the other day: How can the same thing be so beautiful and so ugly? That was Tuesday in a nutshell for me.

(2) I am beyond-belief tired by 1:30 pm. It is an exhaustion in which I could fall asleep sitting up wherever I am. I normally do not sleep anywhere other than a bed--not in cars, not on planes, etc. I think it's the pregnancy hormones intensified by the emotional exhaustion of grief.

(3) My exhaustion contributes to my lack of patience. And I HATE being impatient.

(4) I really need your prayers right now. This weekend is going to be intense. Brandy's funeral is tomorrow, the candlelight vigil is Saturday, and Monday is remembrance day at school. I don't really know how to ask you to pray, but just pray. For balance. For joy I can feel. For ENERGY . . .

Untitled

I can't even put into words the emotional roller coaster of today. I was so thrilled to have "EXCELLENT!" bloodwork and to be officially pregnant. After months of prayer and waiting.


Then, an hour later, I was crushed to learn that my sweet friend is at the end of her life. There are no words . . .


She sent me a card the week of the embryo transfer saying she was praying for us and that things would work out. I'm so glad I was able to tell her, among other important things, the good news today. Her prayers were part of the many that carried us through . . .


I have lived the cycle of life today. I experienced the indescribable joy of new life. I have grieved the end of life. And the meeting of the two was painfully bittersweet.

Cinco de Mayo

I am happy to report that my HCG level, according to the doctor, is "EXCELLENT!" at 2461. I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

THE ultrasound is currently scheduled for May 18 at 11:00. THIRTEEN whole days away. How will we ever make it? If I have any cramping and bleeding, I am to call them ASAP, but other than that, we wait . . . AGAIN . . . !!!

Coincidentally . . .

Our wonderful doctor was in the news again, commenting on a story that is remarkably similar to ours! Check it out!

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=7303722&page=1

Fearfully and Wonderfully

While we wait for the official word from the doctor (even though we're 90% sure we are, in fact, pregnant), I've been fascinated by what our little one(s) look like right now. I am (more-than-likely) four weeks pregnant, and here are a few pics I found online of what our little one(s) look like at this point.


It is absolutely incredible to me that he or she or they went from 6 cells to this . . . in TWO WEEKS! What a miracle!

Amazing! From what I read, his or her or their little heart(s) will start beating in the next few days. Oh, I just can't wait to see our baby(ies) on the ultrasound screen and hear a heart(s) beating! Assuming, of course, that Tuesday's test looks good . . .

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139:13-17

The Call . . .

So the doctor called me back with my HCG level. It is 636, which she said was in the normal range. She didn't say, "You're pregnant." She said, "Your test results look good," and "You'll need to come back on May 5 for a repeat test." It's standard, apparently, but we didn't do this last time. I might have to break out the home tests again so that we can watch the line darken and know the levels are increasing! So there is one MORE hurdle before the ultrasound. Sigh . . .