Confessions

We love music in our house. I guess that makes sense, seeing as Chris leads worship and grew up singing with his family. Thus, we often have music on. Not being able to take any more toddler CD's, I turned on Christian radio. (I really don't trust any other station with Noah's little ears and tendency to repeat everything.)

Anyway, a song came on that we used in worship at Christmas time: "God Speaking" by Mandisa from American Idol two seasons ago. Beautiful song. (The video is below.)



This is so incredibly cliche, but I had a "moment" with the song. Yes, I'm getting more hormonal and emotional, as today marks ONE WEEK until transfer day. I can honestly say, however, this was a divine appointment in which I got a lot of clarity.


The question Chris and I have wrestled with from time-to-time is WHY? Why did he get cancer? Why did he survive? Why are we walking the road of infertility when so many people out there don't deserve to be parents or don't even want children? We know all the "right" answers, all the right Scriptures, etc. But sometimes, the right answers don't feel 100% right.

For this cycle, I have the answer to my why.

Confession time:

For a long time, I have felt rather lackadaisical about my faith. A lot of that comes from working in the church, I'm sure. People's expectations, problems, complaints start to weigh on you after a while. There are some days when I dread going to church (gasp) and feel like I'm simply going through the motions of faith. I needed a wake-up call, a revival that I wasn't expected to help plan or execute.

This cycle has been my wake-up call.

We are at the end of ourselves and even of science. The science and medicine ends after next Friday--what happens after that is up to God . .

For the past few months, I have been searching the scriptures and gleaning so much from them for the first time in a very long time. I've been acutely aware that my prayers are going beyond the ceiling.

But even if our precious embryos do not grow into babies for us to cradle and kiss, their microscopic lives carry a divine purpose. I needed them to bring me back to His throne, to be able to truly hear Him again. I am humbled that the God of the Universe is so good that He revealed Himself to me through a handful of cells, suspended in time. May He receive all the glory.

from "God Speaking"

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough.
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us, "I love you."