Today's Test/Tomorrow

Here is today's test! I think this is the end of the road as far as our home tests go. We will more than likely get the official "You're pregnant" from the doctor tomorrow! YAY!!!!! The test . . .




Here is the succession of tests . . .


Stay tuned for the blood test results!

Mystery Solved/Today's Test

I figured out today what is causing the indigestion, and it is, in fact, pregnancy related--it's my prenatal vitamin and fish oil supplement. Mystery solved!



And here is today's test: If I take a step back, I have to laugh at us--I can't believe we're still taking daily tests. Before, we were looking for the line; now we enjoy watching the line darken from day to day. Today's test is the one on top!

I'm also happy to report that I ran today--the best run I've had in a week. Slowing down really helped. Yes, I came home and had to take a nap (thank goodness Chris was off today), but I feel good that I was able to run!

Tune in tomorrow for our daily test!

Symptoms and Today's Test

I have been pretty surprised at how fast my pregnancy symptoms have appeared. No, I'm not assuming/insinuating/suggesting we have multiples. :) I think a lot of it is related to the fact that my body has been pregnant before and maybe because I'm more aware of such things this time around. ? But then again, it could be multiples . . . take my poll over on the side margin to cast your opinion!

It also just dawned on me that I am slowly accpeting the reality that I'M PREGNANT. Even if the pregnancy is not viable or whatever, I will still have been pregnant. Wow. It still feels pretty unreal.

We will have the "official" test on Friday. It's a quick blood draw, and our nurse will call us with the results sometime in the afternoon. For some reason, this is when we will really celebrate--it was the same way last time, too.

Anyway, the symptoms (and the ways that I interpret/dismiss them) are as follows:

(1) The "girls" are bothering me. This started about a week ago, actually. Every now and then, I get the feeling I used to have when I was nursing Noah and KNEW I HAD to pump right then. If you've nursed before, you know what I'm talkin' about. Otherwise, they have grown and are tender, making running a bit uncomfy. This was the MAIN sign I got from my body about a week ago that something was up.

(2) I get dizzy randomly and am getting headaches. Now, I'm not convinced this is hormone-related. I've thought that maybe I have a sinus problem, swine flu, or something else. BUT it could definitely be the offspring.

(3) I'm peeing all. the. time. I'm also not fully convinced this is hormone-related. I think it's because I'm drinking more water lately because I've been more thirsty. But then again, I could be more thirsty because it's been so hot . . .?

(4) My workouts have been really bad lately. I ran a mile this morning and did my normal strength-training routine, but I was not 100%. I had to stop and go to the car for my banana. Very atypical. On my distance run days, I haven't been able to run as far, as fast. Tomorrow, I'm going to try slowing the pace down considerably and seeing if that helps.

(5) I have indigestion in the afternoons. I think this might be the progesterone, though.

(6) I'm so, so tired at the end of the day. I think some of this is because I haven't been sleeping that great. I need to pee in the middle of the night (b/c of the water) but I don't get up and pee because I'm saving up my pee for the am test.

Speaking of the test . . .

I took it at some point in the middle of the night. In my memory, I had a dream that I had to pee really badly, so I went ahead and took the test at the same time. Turns out, it was indeed reality. Had I been able to wait all night long, I know the line would've been way darker since it darkened again in less than 24 hours and that was only a few hours worth of pee/hormone build-up.



So, there you have it! And I apologize for all the pee references.

Today's Test

Here is today's test! The pregnant line is still there . . .

. . . and a little bit darker than yesterday! (#1 is yesterday's test; #2 is today's!)

By the end of the week, we'll hopefully have Chris' bright pink line!

A Word from the Hubz

As we continue down the road to child number 2 (or 3 or 4), I continue to have several different thoughts and feelings. As we traveled to the clinic, I was very calm. I can’t really explain why. I guess it had to do with this being the second time and being a little less complicated than the first time. It wasn’t until after they told us that all 3 embryos survived the thaw that I got a little nervous. I want for all of them to survive, but I don’t have a clue how we will be able to provide what is necessary if we go from a family of 3 to a family of 6. I rest on the fact that God will allow us to have the number of children that he wants us to have, and that He will then allow for us to provide for them, however that may be.

Mary took a pregnancy test on Thursday, and it showed negative. Though she believes it was a faulty test (as the control line didn’t show up right away) I was pretty bothered by it. I know that it is possible for this procedure not to work, but I don’t think I have ever accepted that it REALLY might not work. That test brought to light the reality that we could do all of this and not have another child. That test also allowed me to come to grips with the fact that, pregnant or not, God is in control and I am OK with whatever happens in light of that. I processed the reality that even if this doesn’t work, we are blessed to have Noah.

When Mary did the test today, I didn’t get too excited because the line is very, very faint. That is why she "made" me do the other one, so that we could compare as there is NO WAY that there would be any line if I did it. The things you do for love . . . .

[Mary here: Since this is technically my blog, I have to correct something said by the hubz--I did not make him take the other test; he did so willingly and fully aware that such an event could absolutely not be left out of this blog. :)]

. . . I want to see a bright pink line. Then I will celebrate, and then I want to know numbers.

In all, I am excited, nervous, and yet calm. We are walking this road together, wherever it may take us. The journey has been great because I have such a great companion to share it with. We’ll see where it leads us . . .

Faint but THERE!/Real Men Take Pregnancy Tests

So we took a home pregnancy test this morning. I'm so excited to report that the pregnancy line is very, very faint, but it's THERE! We went shopping for tests last night, and go figure, the cheapo test is the BEST as far as early detection--better than EPT, First Response, etc. If you are wanting to know as early as possible, the Answer brand is the best over-the-counter brand to get. It detects the lowest HCG level of any of the others. We tested SEVEN days early, so these tests are super-awesome at 2 for $6!


Anyway, when we first saw the very, very faint line appear, we weren't sure if it was a fluke or not. So, Chris took the other test so we could compare. hahahahaha! I still can't believe my husband took a pregnancy test--he was hesitant to do so, but we really needed the comparison. hahahaha!

Here are the pics of the tests. Chris' test is the one WITHOUT the silver heart. The 2nd picture is a lot clearer, and you should be able to see the faint line. I'm going to test again tomorrow and again Tuesday, and the line should darken as the days go on.


So, friends . . . I think I'm pregnant!!!!!!! Stay tuned for more info as the week progresses!

Three, continued

If you have ever walked the path of infertility, you know how mind-consuming it can be. As a person who loves things to be in order and at peace, this has really stretched me (again). I've said it before, but the waiting and the not-knowing are the hardest things. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.

In the midst of the uncertainty, however, I feel as though I'm finding some peace in the truth. I am not poweful enough to prevent these lives from growing further or to make them grow futher somehow. Already, they are miracles. Already, they are strong survivors. Already, they have taught us truths.

At the heart of me, I really want to meet all three of our embryos as people. Also at the heart of me is a lot of fear about a triplet pregnancy, triplet newborns, triplet toddlers, etc.

In the midst of all of my thoughts on and prayers for our three embryos (or "eee en-dee-does" in Noah-ese), I had a revelation.

God is a three-person God, perfect and complete.
Our current family is made up of three persons, perfect and complete.

I am slowly becoming "OK" if we are to stay at three for now or forever. I will definitely miss Chris' "Goodnight, everybody!" to my belly, but we will be OK. Three is perfect; three is complete; three is a miracle; three is beauty.

Today, I am meditating on Psalm 94:19 (Thank you, C!!!): "However great the anxieties of my heart, your consolations soothe me."

Three

My wonderful husband was out-of-town this past weekend. When he came home, he went grocery shopping for us for the week. When he came home from the grocery store, he had these in hand and "For the number of days I missed you . . ." I loved that. As I was placing them on my piano, my mind turned to another set of three. When I look at these, I think of my husband's love and the three miracle embryos within me. I do not know how many will grow into babies, but I treasure the knowledge of them. The waiting is so, so hard . . .

Today, I am meditating on Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

Decisions

The worst part of this whole process is the paranoia, analyzing, and anticipation.


Already, I'm so paranoid that I've done something to ruin this. I worry if the laptop on my lap is sending some radioactive signal to my uterus. I worry that my 1-mile walk (supposed to be run) somehow jostled them around too much. I worry that my emotional state is going to make things go awry.


Then, I analyze. Every time I feel something, I wonder what's going on in there. I'm having some cramping, but that is supposedly normal. Still, I can't help but wonder . . .


The anticipation is also a killer. I can't help but wonder when I'm injecting myself if it's all for naught. Ugh.


I've been so apprreciative to so many for great reminders--nothing is going to prevent a life that God wants, being fearless is a series of decisions to trust the truth, promises of prayer, etc.

So, please pray for me as I try to make the decision to believe what I know is true and not what I feel or speculate. It's tough.

Yesterday . . .

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Wow . . .

I have one word to summarize today: WOW . . .

Here is the story of our day in pictures. I'm working on a video montage and should have all of that uploaded tomorrow some time!

I'm so thankful for the prayers and thoughts. Noah woke up this morning fever-free and not coughing as much. He was able to go to our friends' place and had a blast playing with Ella aka "Eya." Here are Daddy and Noah getting ready to go . . .
This morning after I showered, I had a thought: what does one wear to get impregnated? Lingere, of course. I thought it would be really humorous/psycho to show up to the clinic in lingere announcing, "OK, I'm ready to get pregnant!" I went with this instead. Nothing special.

After a surprisingly traffic-free journey, we arrived . . .

Here is the process, step-by-step.

Step 1: Verify the procedure for which you are there. (FET=frozen embryo transfer)

Step 2: Pay the bill. (Notice the crossed-out $1,753.00)

Step 3: Get id bracelet.

Step 4: Change into what you really wear to get pregnant. Be sure to check out my socks--tread on both sides . . oh, yeah . . .

Step 5: Consult with nurse about discharge instructions. Consult with doctor about embryo numbers, procedure, etc. We were both so shocked that ALL THREE embryos from the first batch survived the thaw! The first words out of my mouth were, "What? I'm SHOCKED!" The doctor, (the "head" doctor of the clinic and not our regular doctor) said, "Well, I'm not. Our lab has gotten a lot better, and I don't see a frozen transfer any differently from a fresh transfer anymore." All I could say was, "WOW." I don't really know if he said anything else because I was so focused one thing: three. He left, and we had a few seconds of stunned silence followed by some nervous laughter. It needs to be mentioned that we shared a waiting room with a lady and her triplets--two boys and a girl. Chris said, "I wonder if the triplets were a sign?!?!"

Step 6: Go to the transfer room. Get creeped out by the mood lighting and "relaxing" background music. It was more like Alfred Hitchcock music.

Step 7: Talk to the lab director through this little window. He puts his masked face up to the window and offers us a "Hello." He asks for my name, DOB, and confirms that we are transfering three embryos. He then disappoints us by telling us the screen is not working so that we won't be able to see our embryos. :0( I was really looking forward to that. Our nurse Soonja is amazing. She, seeing our disapointment, says, "What do they look like? Are they pretty?" He says, "Yes, they are," and goes into a long explanation about how our 7-cell embryos are down to 6 from the thaw, and the 6-cell embryo was down to 3 cells from the thaw. He said it didn't matter at all as the cells "fill in" on their own.

Step 8: Get into position. (Sorry, no photos!) The doctor inserts the catheter into my uterus, and the lab director brings a really thin straw containing our tiny babies. The picture below is not going to make much sense, but the white line is the catheter. The last white bubble closest to the right side is an air bubble that was pushing the embryos into my uterus. It was SO COOL! I can't believe I don't remember any of this from last time! Chris sat by my side with his hand on my shoulder. He had to sit behind me, so that was as close as he could get.

Step 9: The lab director goes back to ensure that all of the embryos are out the straw. We thank the doctor over and over. He smiles, pats my shoulder, and says, "You're welcome." I want to be sure that he understands, so I tell him, "Chris has had cancer, and this is the only way for us. THANK YOU." We get the "OK" from the lab director, and so we change back into our clothes. We walk out of the clinic after scheduling a pregnancy test on May 1 at 8:30 am.

This is going to be a loooooooong wait. The doctor advised against doing a home test before the blood test, but I will probably break down and take a home test again.

We talked a lot on the way to pick up Noah. What are we going to do with three? We determined that we don't need to worry with that until we have the ultrasound in about a month. That will tell us the final number.

We picked up Noah, who was of course not acting the least bit sick. We decided to have lunch at Chic-Fil-A with Noah--we went to Chic-Fil-A after the transfer that gave us Noah, so it just seemed right this time, too. Noah didn't eat much (signs of his illness), but he had a good time people-watching at least.

I can't even count how many kisses this sweet face received the rest of the afternoon . . .

As Promised: The State of the Union

It's difficult to find the words today to capture how we feel. It's so surreal--tomorrow, I am being impregnated . . . weird. . .


We've been passing questions back and forth: do you have any feelings about how this will work out? Are you nervous? What do we do if we have multiples? etc.

Our prayers have been those of surrender.

Ironically, the biggest thing on our minds right now is Noah's health. He is sick yet again, and we feel so helpless and confused as to how he keeps getting sick. We are on day three of fever and coughing and are weary of illness to say the least. We are exploring some herbal remedies and immune-boosting products.

I'm also in a quandary about what to do with Noah while we are at Duke. Some friends from church offered to keep him, but they have a little girl younger than Noah and I don't want to get her sick. What to do . . . ?


Chris had this (humorously) romantic vision of bringing Noah with us tomorrow. Noah would have the experience of being back in the same room in which he was created and united to us again. The only thing I can imagine is a two-year-old boy exploring, running, etc. in a fascinating place full of forbidden fruit. And I will literally be in NO position to enforce a time-out. Not that Chris couldn't, but he is expected to remain next to me at all times, as standing next to me is the only way he has anything to do with me getting pregnant. :o) Anyway, Chris' dream just might come true, but I'm praying so hard that Noah turns a major corner by tomorrow morning. Poor kid.

Anyway, back to tomorrow . . .

I am so looking forward to seeing our embryos. I seriously can't wait! I've said it before, but it means so much more now that I know that those cells grow into a treasure.

Stay tuned for a full update (with pictures) tomorrow!

T-minus less than 24 hours!

So we are fast approaching tomorrow. Chris called and confirmed that we are indeed coming and learned that they pushed us to 10 am. SO, if you remember, say a prayer for us at 10 am. They will be thawing our embryos some time before that, and we will know when we arrive the numbers. We are praying for all three to survive from the first batch they thaw but know that we'll probably end up with two. We are nervous, excited, scared, etc. I'll do a more thorough accounting on "the state of the union" later tonight . . .

The Psychology of a Shot

Day one of intramuscular shots is over. I now realize that I've changed a lot since we did the full IVF cycle three years ago. I can't let someone else inject me. There's something about waiting for someone else to hurt you; I need to be in control of the pain, I suppose.

This morning, my friend Tisa and I laughed and laughed about the scenario in which we found ourselves: my pants partially down, her holding a huge needle, both of us nervous and shaky. Finally, I just had to do it myself while Tisa held my butt-quadrant-one skin taut. (She's a great friend!)

Poor Chris is a little confused--he said tonight, "But I did all of your shots last time . . . " I think he kinda feels left out a little bit. I asked him if he'd rather me hit him with a hammer or hit himself with a hammer; he said he'd rather be hit with a hammer in a sneak attack . . .

So far, I am already sore. I hoping to continue running as long as possible, and I think that might help keep the muscle loose or something like that. ? Just a theory. Please pray for my mental state with these shots. It is very discouraging to have to frame my days with pain.

Here is my prayer of the day: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross . . ." (Hebrews 12:2)

For the joy set before me, I can do this . . .

Ugh.

Tomorrow starts the progesterone shots. Intramuscular shots. Ugh. Sigh.

The worst part is that my friend/co-worker is doing the very first shot at school. I don't know why that makes it worse, but it does. More pressure to not be a total wimp, I guess. Ugh.

When I asked her to do the shots for me, we were joking around about a diagram. Just for kicks, I made one on Microsoft Paint. Here it is.

In the midst of my absolute and total dread about these shots, I had a great time of worship today. "In Christ alone, my hope is found . . ."

Confessions

We love music in our house. I guess that makes sense, seeing as Chris leads worship and grew up singing with his family. Thus, we often have music on. Not being able to take any more toddler CD's, I turned on Christian radio. (I really don't trust any other station with Noah's little ears and tendency to repeat everything.)

Anyway, a song came on that we used in worship at Christmas time: "God Speaking" by Mandisa from American Idol two seasons ago. Beautiful song. (The video is below.)



This is so incredibly cliche, but I had a "moment" with the song. Yes, I'm getting more hormonal and emotional, as today marks ONE WEEK until transfer day. I can honestly say, however, this was a divine appointment in which I got a lot of clarity.


The question Chris and I have wrestled with from time-to-time is WHY? Why did he get cancer? Why did he survive? Why are we walking the road of infertility when so many people out there don't deserve to be parents or don't even want children? We know all the "right" answers, all the right Scriptures, etc. But sometimes, the right answers don't feel 100% right.

For this cycle, I have the answer to my why.

Confession time:

For a long time, I have felt rather lackadaisical about my faith. A lot of that comes from working in the church, I'm sure. People's expectations, problems, complaints start to weigh on you after a while. There are some days when I dread going to church (gasp) and feel like I'm simply going through the motions of faith. I needed a wake-up call, a revival that I wasn't expected to help plan or execute.

This cycle has been my wake-up call.

We are at the end of ourselves and even of science. The science and medicine ends after next Friday--what happens after that is up to God . .

For the past few months, I have been searching the scriptures and gleaning so much from them for the first time in a very long time. I've been acutely aware that my prayers are going beyond the ceiling.

But even if our precious embryos do not grow into babies for us to cradle and kiss, their microscopic lives carry a divine purpose. I needed them to bring me back to His throne, to be able to truly hear Him again. I am humbled that the God of the Universe is so good that He revealed Himself to me through a handful of cells, suspended in time. May He receive all the glory.

from "God Speaking"

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough.
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us, "I love you."

Wow!

Check this video out! I was looking on Youtube for more about "Snow babies" aka frozen embryos and stumbled across this one:






I loved it because (a) the kid's name is Noah; (b) Noah (in the video) was frozen for two years, just like our embryos; (c) it calms my fear about some freak natural disaster striking Durham and resulting in the death of our embryos; (d) I loved that someone thought about the embryos and their parents and worked so hard to save them! I loved that even those tiny lives were worth rescuing; (e) I see how NOTHING can thwart the purposes of God. NOTHING!

I'll do another post on the "Snow baby" concept later . . .

I vs. We

One of our on-going "jokes" is that Chris had nothing to do with Noah's conception. It's funny how I look back and remember that he literally did nothing--no shots, no exams, nothing. It was all me from conception to delivery. Oh, he gave/is giving me the shots, but that's where it stops. (If you're reading and don't know the back-story, Chris is a leukemia survivor, and we used his sperm that he banked 13 years ago.)

In my most hormonal days (which so far have been on the birth control), I've had that's-not-fair thinking. (For example, it's not fair that my body is the one that gets wrecked while he gets to do nothing other than stab me with needles. So melodramatic, I know.) I'm so glad, though, that mindset was fleeting.

Otherwise, I might not appreciate the ways that he has encouraged me through this. He knows how to make me smile and to encourage me with small gifts.

Beyond giving me these small gifts and so many encouraging words, the best gift he is giving is a "We are going through infertility treatment . . . "

Thanks, Octomom.

So far, things on the estrogen have been going well. I've felt stable though I can tell it makes me sleep restlessly. Last time, I had terrible insomnia from really high levels, but I don't think my estrogen level is as high this time since I'm not growing a bunch of mature eggs at once. Anyway, the patches are really starting to itch as well--one of the downsides of sensitive skin. Two more weeks . . .

Anyway, as I was looking around on the Duke Fertility Center's website for any info about the patch, I happened to stumble upon something that made me feel good and nervous. My doctor was interviewed for an article in Time Magazine on the octuplet issue. I felt so great that she was considered an expert in the field and was contacted for her thoughts. AWESOME! Here is the part of the article in which she speaks:



From Time Magazine
Octuplets Fallout: Should Fertility Doctors Set Limits?
By Bonnie Rochman Monday, Feb. 02, 2009

. . . Over the weekend at Duke Fertility Center in Durham, N.C., the extraordinary birth was on everyone's mind. Fertility clinics are round-the-clock operations, and women came and went for fertility monitoring. Susannah Copland, who oversees the IVF program at Duke University, was on call and noticed that "everyone was buzzing about the octuplets." Some were shocked, others unnerved. "I don't want eight babies," they told her.

"And we don't want you to have eight babies," she responded.

"I will continue to counsel patients that one embryo is the way to go," says Copland. "What does Mother Nature usually give us? One baby at a time."

Yet she worries that some patients may be inspired by news of the octuplets. "It's a pebble dropped in the pond," she says, "and who knows where the ripples will go?"




Now obviously, I agree with her: we do NOT want eight babies at once!!! But here is where I am slightly nervous.

• We have our six embryos stored in batches of three.


• The "best" batch of three will be thawed first.


• IF only one embryo survives the thaw, they will thaw the other batch of three.


• IF all three from that batch survive, we would be left with four embryos.


• We are not comfortable disposing of any of our embryos.

When we met with our doctor, whom I truly LOVE, she did say she would not be comfortable implanting more than three. We agreed with her and said that our vision was ONE baby, maybe two, but no more than two.

Fast forward to a conversation with our nurse--when she wrote down our "thaw plan", she said that the Duke Fertility Center has never implanted more than three. She also said it is not likely for all three in one batch to survive, but you really never know.

SO . . . I am nervous that we might end up with a battle on April 17. What are we going to do if we end up with four live embryos? While we don't want quadruplets, Chris and I personally could not ever consent to disposing of one of our live embryos. I know that fertility doctors are even more sensitive to the number of embryos they implant due to the octuplet mom, and the reality that our doctor spoke out publicly on the issue suggests we might meet some opposition if we end up with four.

I am already praying that we would not encounter this situation, as I truly have no idea how it would turn out . . .

Results . . .

Thank you to everyone who prayed for my estrogen level! The nurse called this afternoon and informed me that my levels looked good and to continue on with the patches. Yay for no pills!!!!

The Not

The Not got me last night.

We were driving to church, and as always, the conversation dead-ended at THIS. We were breaking down the schedule of when we would have the pregnancy test and the ultrasound.We were brainstorming ways of how to break the news to our families. We were doing what we always do: talking as if this were a done deal.

Chris says, "You know what's crazy? We could be announcing that we're pregnant really soon. Like in a month."

I say, "Yeah, I know. What are we going to do? I want it to be creative and fun."

The conversation goes back and forth a little bit on that subject, and then, IT showed up. The NOT.

The "We could also NOT have ANYTHING to announce" was said. And we stopped talking and sat with the NOT for a minute or two: we can't expect to be lucky twice in a row. 25% chance is not that promising . . .

The NOT is always there, looming behind our excitement. When it shows its face, I can't even describe how our tone shifts . . . it becomes still, pensive, and somber.

So it got me thinking. If we do NOT achieve a pregnancy, do we call it a miscarriage? Technically, it wouldn't be a miscarriage. What do you call it? A failed pregnancy . . . no . . .? I feel like it needs a name tag so that I can call it by name and move through the grief.

This is what I do with big things--I try on the grief for size so that if it enters our world, I won't be caught off guard. It goes back to the death of my grandmother, I know. Her death was not something I was expecting, and the subsequent grief was heavy, dark. I expected her to beat the cancer; I expected her to be immortal, I suppose. And thus, I don't let myself NOT imagine the worst. I will NOT be caught off guard again.

So . . . as crazy as this next part may be . . . here is what I imagine we will grieve:

(1) The lives we never knew--it's so, so different this time. The sight of that 8-cell embryo is forever etched in my memory . . . those cells grew into cheeks I kiss, hands I hold, a face I wipe, a body I bathe, a person I love. The potential of these lives is so enthralling. They just need to be unlocked . . .

(2) The disappointment of failure/rejection

(3) As selfish as this may be, the loss of the money will be hard to swallow. We worked so hard to make it all work . . . for nothing?

I know this post is not very hopeful, and I apologize for that. But this part of the reality of infertility. Chris said he felt like this was a game of Russian Roulette--hit or miss. And the problem is that we don't have the money (or sperm for that matter) for misses.

I remembered something else vividly as we were talking: two Mays ago, we were sitting in the waiting area minutes before the transfer. Chris asks, "Did you bring the camera? Shouldn't we document this or something?" I don't remember what I said in reply, but I remembered why I don't have any pictures or any of my thoughts written down from that time. I was afraid of the NOT. I didn't want to have the evidence of failure; I didn't want to get too excited too soon.


This time, we are definitely less cautious because we "get it" this time. The lives of our embryos, whether they grow into babies or not, are lives that I want to celebrate regardless of how long they live in this world.

Yes, I am attached to them as their mother because I have a mother's heart this time. It makes the NOT so much scarier . . .but I will not bow to it . . .

We know Who holds our future and that He already knows the outcome of April 17, 9 am . . .

Strange

I just had the strangest phone call. Our nurse Soonja called. After the customary introductions, she said, "OK, Mary. It's time to talk dates." I thought we had already done that, but I was glad for the checking-in/confirmation. I guess it means my doctor was OK with the way the ultrasound looked.


The bottom line: I will be impregnated on April 17 at 9 am.

If I step outside of my own reality for a minute, I have to admit that I could have never imagined this six years ago. April 17, 9 am, sounds more like a dentist appointment, a conference, a coffee date . . . strange . . .

In other news, on Friday at 9:45 am, I have an appointment to get my estrogen level tested. She said not to be surprised if I have to take estrogen pills in addition to the patches. Good thing she told me because I would've been surprised. Very surprised. I really don't like the idea of pumping even more artificial hormones into my body, so my prayer is NO PILLS!