Knowing

I've been thinking a lot about the six embryos we have frozen . . . and the reality that all six will probably not materialize into people with arms and legs and beating hearts.

The notorious "octomom" probably had the same thoughts, which is why I'm not critical of her decision to implant six embryos. She wanted to use them all but didn't believe that all would survive the thaw. . . and then divide. Why she already had six children is another issue, but we are so "there," the place I imagine "octomom" was in her heart.

Before Noah, I didn't "get" "it". I often wonder why I did not photograh and chronicle more of our journey to Noah. Why do I not have pictures of him at 8-cells old? Where are my words from that era? I remember the physical symptoms, and I have general, vague impresions of my thoughts during that time. But that's it. I think it comes down to one fact:

I didn't know.

I didn't know what it all meant. And now I know. I know about the long nights, the laughter, the stress, the simplest of simple joys, the guilt, the hope, the mess, the good days, the bad days. I know it all.

We casually accepted six frozen embryos as great odds, based on science's statistics. I struggle to see it that way now, now that I know the end result.

In all honesty, I fear ending up with six children from the remaining six embryos we have. But at the same time, they are our children. It’s such a conflict of emotions that I don’t know how to handle sometimes. I guess there is no handling them; they need to just be right now.

In less philosophical terms, the birth control is really messing with me this time around. I feel really nauseated in the mornings in spite of my taking the pill at night. Added to that, this is the 2nd day in a row that I’ve woke up at 6:45 with 5 minutes to shower, dry my hair, dress, etc. Thankfully, I’ve made it work on time. I’m seeing that my body is going to get what it needs one way or the other, and I really desire to get the rest of me in sync with what my body is saying.