OK

Sometimes, I know that things are going to be OK.

• I'm going to come out of this fine--different but fine.
• I'm not going to live on the verge of tears.
• I'm going to be able to think about Baby A without feeling incomplete and sad.
• I'm going to be able to look at Wednesday's ultrasound photos without feeling crushed.
• I'm going to answer the emails, messages, and phone calls that have been so encouraging and very much appreciated and needed.
• I will be able to believe Chris' sincere, "It's not your fault."
• I will not feel so divided--my body is housing both death and life right now.
• I will not feel so guilty for telling our families. My dad sent me an email that made this part a little more bearable. Here is part of what he said: I want to thank you and Chris for letting us share for a brief time the joy of your expecting twins. Personally, I would have been very hurt in not having that blessing. Exactly what I needed to hear . . .
• I'm going to be able to plan for our single baby with joy.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

~Psalm 27:13

Different

One thing I can say for sure is that this whole experience is changing me. I can feel it happening but will probably not know how until much later. There are things that I thought and felt that I look back on and see differently now. It's almost like I knew something like "this" was going to happen all along.

I've said a zillion times that this time felt so different than my pregnancy with Noah. The certainty and full, complete joy were not there like they were with Noah. The doubt, however, was always there. I called all week last week to try and get into the ob early for this last ultrasound. Why? I felt like I needed that before I put the news on our family's blog and Facebook, told students, etc. It's funny how I just dismissed that as normal anxieties. It wasn't. I was knowing the truth of yesterday before I was told about it.

I thought about our petri dishes from the lab this morning and realized something different about them, the way they were separated . . .

My sister sent me a photo last week. She took it as a memorial for Noah's embryo and our vanishing triplet, but when I saw it, I felt differently about it. I can't explain how I felt it was different, but I just had a thought that something was different about this one. It is entitled "Swinging Somewhere" and I know what it means now and why I felt differently about it when I saw it . . .

To my babies,

I want to find the perfect words, but language falls so short today. I want you to know how much we wanted you, loved you, and celebrated you. You brought joy and amazement to so many, and you showed us the power of God. The selfish side of me wants you for me, yet I know that God's plan for you is so much better than the best of this world. I am so thankful that He allowed us to see you even though it is painful now. You left this world loved and celebrated, never having let anyone down or experienced pain, failure, disappointment, and rejection. How blessed you are to only know a warm, safe place and Heaven! I am so happy for you even though I am sad for me. I guess that's what being a mom is all about; I just never wanted to give you up this soon. We'll see you soon . . .

Love forever,

Mommy

Here

Here is what we were told:

(1) In vitro has higher miscarriage rates due to implantation problems. We never knew that, were never told that, etc. Had I known that, I would've been more careful on lots of levels.

(2) "Something" happened about a week ago. Genetic problem? Blood supply problem? We'll never know for sure. Just the elusive "something."

(3) We just have to wait it out for whatever to happen. I might bleed; I might not.


Here is what I am racking my brain trying to figure out:

(1) What happened about a week ago--did I do something wrong? How do things go from fine to not-fine?

(2) What signs did I miss a week ago?

(3) How do I find the joy for the remaining life?

(4) How do other women endure loss after loss after loss? I can't imagine.


Here is what I know:

(1) I am still pregnant with a gift from God.

(2) This is the path God has set before us for a reason, and He is good, His plans perfect.

(3) The emotion is heavy and confusing and exhausting and new.


And being Here is not easy because this Here goes with me everywhere . . .

I don't know how else to say this, so here goes: Baby B has died. I can't really process the emotion right now, but it is intense. Baby A is fine--alive and active. We have another ultrasound in two weeks. I'll try to update more later.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

~Job 1:21b

Success/On the other hand . . .

Chris' parents put the puzzle together within an hour of having it home and were equally as excited! I know they love being grandparents, so they are getting a double portion this time! The question we got was, "Does this mean what I think it means?" I guess it is pretty unbelievable when you're told your son may never have children!



Since they are on Facebook, our news became a status update and wall photo within the hour. I don't know that I was ready for that kind of broadcast, but alas . . .

Here is said Wall Photo entitled: "It's Twins, This is how we found out."

Comments from people we don't know:

You are kidding me!

That is so neat!

How creative . . .

WHAT!!!

Here is said status update:

Ira Straits
Well, papa will be having two more to play with. I love having grandkids! One of the best joys in life! The due date for the twins is January 4th. Pray for healthy Mom and babies. Lord, thank you for your blessings!


Chris' grandma wrote:
This means i get to be great-grandma to twins.Thank you Jesus! i hope one of them is a girl.Love you son and i am happy for them and you and Abbey




I love Facebook in that way--I can record the words straight from the source. On the other hand . . .


I'm going to put this here and try to be gracious about it, but someone responded to Chris' dad's status update in a way that stung a little bit:

"Wow!!! Twins!!! Better than triplets, that's for sure. Congrats!"


My first instinct was to comment back with, "Funny that you mention triplets. We had triplets, but one of them died."


I keep telling myself that I don't even know this person; she doesn't know us, she doesn't know the whole story, etc.


I've been very careful to never punish other people because of our situation. I know some people who have struggled with infertility get really "upset" with others for being able to get pregnant easily and then complaining about pregnancy ailments, etc. I never wanted to be that way. On the other hand . . .


Part of me, my inner-Mommy, wants to stand up for our triplet. Like I've said before, I believe that life had a purpose, and I got very offended at the suggestion that we're better off because he or she died. [Insert rational voice here: She didn't know about the triplet.]


I don't think twins are "better" than triplets. Easier on many levels? Probably. But not "better." [Insert rational voice: I think she probably meant "easier".]


I typed several responses to that, but I don't know that my heart is in the right place. I want to teach this lady a lesson--don't say things like that because you never know someone's situation. I wanted her to feel guilty for saying that, to feel the sting we did. The rational voice: She didn't know.


The mothering blog I follow Prayer of Hannah discussed kindness this week, and I'm so glad I read the posts on kindnes or I would've probably responded in anger. And out of a sense of entitlement. I think the kindest thing to do in this situation is say nothing . . . as difficult as it is . . .


Chris also put "the news" as his status update, which opened the door to a flood of messages, comments, etc. I wasn't ready for that. It is totally crazy how you can literally inform hundreds of thousands of people of your personal news with a status update, relationship status, wall photo, etc. (If you're on FB, you know what I mean.) I'm still not used to that, and as someone with control issues, this status-update business is uncontrolable. It's just plain crazy the power of such things . . .


I didn't mean for this post to turn into a diatribe on a status comment. Facebook is so good in that you can keep up with people with whom you would otherwise lose touch. On the other hand, it creates so much drama. Sigh.


ANYWAY, this was supposed to be about how Chris' parents took the news. The short of it is they are excited, thrilled, etc. These babies are so blessed to have so many people thanking God for them! What a gift!

Success!

The puzzle made it to SC right on time! And my mom, being a lover of puzzles, put it together in a timely fashion. She called me immediately and said in between peals of laughter, "I got your package . . . and I put together the puzzle . . . is it really true? You're really having twins???" She said, "I've always hoped one of you would have twins!" That was good to hear--I know she loves being a twin, and it's exciting to think about the relationship our twins will have with each other! My dad was excited as well in his own way--he said with a very clear smile, "Is that right?"

So far, the puzzle route was a huge success.

One more set of parents to go!

First "Normal" Appointment

Our first "normal" appointment at the regular ob was yesterday. It was pretty uneventful. They give you a bunch of paperwork, talk about appointment schedules, etc. The highlights of the appointment are as follows:

(1) They send all multiples pregnancies to Duke Perinatal for more intense screening and because they have better equipment. That takes place around 11-14 weeks and then 16-18 weeks. Both of those are coming up pretty soon! It's hard to believe the pregnancy will be a fourth of the way finished next week. I feel like I've pregnant a LONG time.

(2) We have an ultrasound with them next Wednesday at 8 am. The ob coordinator wanted it to be done sometime this week, but there were no appointments. I'm going to try and call and see if something opens up for this week. I just want to be sure our twins are continuing to grow OK, especially now that the puzzle is half-way to SC by now. I still have a little fear that something might happen . . .

(3) I had to explain, again, why the date of my last period doesn't matter. It's annoying because the nurse had her little wheel and still wanted to refer to it even though I told her that she can't use those dates. There is no mistaken about when we're due, how many weeks along I am, etc. This took a tad bit of the "normal" feel out of the appointment, but whatever . . .

(4) I was surprised that there wasn't much variation in the care with a twin pregnancy. I was expecting to have to go more often, but we won't have to unless there are problems. With the exception of the Duke Perinatal visits, everything else is normal.

(5) The weight gain for a twin pregnancy is crazy: 35-45 lbs. WHOA! I think I've already made a dent in that number, though.

(6) The amount of paper I left with was INSANE! Coupons, magazines, pamphlets, etc. mostly from formula companies nonetheless. I think it's all kind of unnecessary, actually. I appreciated the prenatal vitamin samples and the paperwork from the ob practice itself, but I could've done without the other stuff. (I don't have anything against formula, but I feel like women are bombarded with formula "stuff" from the doctor. I didn't get any pamphlets on breastfeeding, and I feel like women in the US turn to formula more often because we're presented with 3x the info on formula as opposed to nursing. Anyway, that's another post . . .)

I think that about covers it!