Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, one and all! I don't have anything really profound to say at the moment other than I have felt the prayers of many. As difficult as this weekend was, I made it through and had energy!

This might sound strange, but in a way, the business of Brandy's passing has been a gift to me. I haven't had time to think about myself and what is happening with my body and baby(ies). No worries, though--I haven't had any bleeding or anything like that, so I'm sure all is well in there. Thinking of Brandy, praying for her and her family, and participating in her services have helped me deal with the not-knowing in a different way, a healthier way.

She requested that portions of Psalm 118 be read at her funeral, and I was so blessed by that, particularly verse 24: "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." In spite of Brandy's illness and pain, she was able to say this. On the good days, the bad days, the not-knowing days, the days of grief, the days of joy, the days of blessing, the days of letting-go: THIS is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I told you before I was struggling to feel joy in the midst of Brandy's death, and it was like she was releasing me to feel that joy in a way. My heart still hurts for her and the pain she experienced in her final hours, the pain her family is currently experiencing. But I am joyful for all the ways God has blessed us and will NOT take such blessing for granted.

Here is what was in our mailbox yesterday:

You probably can't read it very well, but it's basically a run-down of the embryo transfer. It says:

Number of embryos frozen: 6

Number of embryos thawed: 3

Number of embryo survived: 3

Number of embryos transferred: 3

Number of embryos remaining cryoperserved (frozen): 3



We are so, so blessed beyond measure. And I am so grateful that God reminded me of all the reasons I have to be joyful in the midst of grief . . .


(My sister took this picture in Brandy's memory . . . )

Prominence

I don't have much to say about being pregnant and not knowing numbers right now. Grief and death do that I suppose. Right now, Brandy's death is in a place of prominence in my heart.

I honestly don't/can't feel joyful right now, but I am. I very much am. I know that I am even though I can't feel it right now. I feel guilty sometimes about that, but I'm so glad that God knows the heart. Here is what I know:

(1) Tuesday was a day I can sum up in this concept, a concept I discussed with my students just the other day: How can the same thing be so beautiful and so ugly? That was Tuesday in a nutshell for me.

(2) I am beyond-belief tired by 1:30 pm. It is an exhaustion in which I could fall asleep sitting up wherever I am. I normally do not sleep anywhere other than a bed--not in cars, not on planes, etc. I think it's the pregnancy hormones intensified by the emotional exhaustion of grief.

(3) My exhaustion contributes to my lack of patience. And I HATE being impatient.

(4) I really need your prayers right now. This weekend is going to be intense. Brandy's funeral is tomorrow, the candlelight vigil is Saturday, and Monday is remembrance day at school. I don't really know how to ask you to pray, but just pray. For balance. For joy I can feel. For ENERGY . . .

Untitled

I can't even put into words the emotional roller coaster of today. I was so thrilled to have "EXCELLENT!" bloodwork and to be officially pregnant. After months of prayer and waiting.


Then, an hour later, I was crushed to learn that my sweet friend is at the end of her life. There are no words . . .


She sent me a card the week of the embryo transfer saying she was praying for us and that things would work out. I'm so glad I was able to tell her, among other important things, the good news today. Her prayers were part of the many that carried us through . . .


I have lived the cycle of life today. I experienced the indescribable joy of new life. I have grieved the end of life. And the meeting of the two was painfully bittersweet.

Cinco de Mayo

I am happy to report that my HCG level, according to the doctor, is "EXCELLENT!" at 2461. I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

THE ultrasound is currently scheduled for May 18 at 11:00. THIRTEEN whole days away. How will we ever make it? If I have any cramping and bleeding, I am to call them ASAP, but other than that, we wait . . . AGAIN . . . !!!

Coincidentally . . .

Our wonderful doctor was in the news again, commenting on a story that is remarkably similar to ours! Check it out!

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=7303722&page=1

Fearfully and Wonderfully

While we wait for the official word from the doctor (even though we're 90% sure we are, in fact, pregnant), I've been fascinated by what our little one(s) look like right now. I am (more-than-likely) four weeks pregnant, and here are a few pics I found online of what our little one(s) look like at this point.


It is absolutely incredible to me that he or she or they went from 6 cells to this . . . in TWO WEEKS! What a miracle!

Amazing! From what I read, his or her or their little heart(s) will start beating in the next few days. Oh, I just can't wait to see our baby(ies) on the ultrasound screen and hear a heart(s) beating! Assuming, of course, that Tuesday's test looks good . . .

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139:13-17

The Call . . .

So the doctor called me back with my HCG level. It is 636, which she said was in the normal range. She didn't say, "You're pregnant." She said, "Your test results look good," and "You'll need to come back on May 5 for a repeat test." It's standard, apparently, but we didn't do this last time. I might have to break out the home tests again so that we can watch the line darken and know the levels are increasing! So there is one MORE hurdle before the ultrasound. Sigh . . .