Road to Recovery, Part 1

I'm struggling to come up with a good introduction to this, but I guess the title kind of explains things. I want to try to explain what this whole experience has been like so far. My hope is that someone out there will be able to identify with some of what we continue to struggle through. I have found some "answers" here and there, but I want to start at the starting place.


(1) Spiritual questions: Several people said to us after they found out we were having twins, "Wow! God is really blessing you!" After the shock lifted a bit, I started thinking: if that was God's blessing, what is this? Why did this happen to us? Am I the kind of mother who God thinks couldn't handle multiples?


(2) Betrayal: As soon as the regular ob told us that IVF has higher rates of miscarriage, I remember thinking, "WHAT??? NO ONE told us this!" I thought about calling Duke to find out why we weren't told this, but I was way too emotional at the time. I also feel like my body betrayed me in a way.


(3) Conflict: Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time. It is impossible to truly explain how the sorrow eclipses the happiness. Even at Wednesday's ultrasound, we felt this eclipse. I know overcoming this is going to come down to a choice we are going to have to choose, but I will discuss that later on.


(4) Fakin' It: I can't tell you how hard it was to get out of bed some days. And then having to "fake it" through the day and life. "This" all happened my last week of school, and I had to fake it through graduation, meetings, a baby shower for someone else's twins, etc.

(5) Not Fakin' It: There were several days when Noah was the only reason I got out of bed.


Anyway, this post has now taken three days to write, so I'm going to end it here. I think the length of time it took showed me how complicated this whole experience has been for us. All the same, I feel the fog beginning to lift, so I'll try to do a more optimistic post later this week~

Update on Today

The ultrasound today went OK. Baby A looks good--active with a good, strong heartbeat. We were amazed at how much growth has taken place in 2 weeks. You can see the hemispheres of the brain in the head, the ribs, and even a faint line for the spine. We were able to see the spine at a different angle, and he/she appears to be sitting with crossed legs! I wish we were able to have all the pictures, but they only gave us one. The growth and development of these little people are just amazing. Here is A:

And here is what he/she looks probably looks like in "real life." Amazing!

The downer of the whole experience came when we realized that Baby B was still there and very much visible. As soon as the ultrasound started, we saw both of them. We thought that B was going to "vanish" and we wouldn't see him/her again. Well, because I was further along than when the triplet vanished, we are probably going to witness this "vanishing" taking place. Essentially, as Baby A grows, his/her weight is going to crush Baby B into the placenta. The tiny body will probably be visible at Baby A's birth. Here is our Baby B:

Ultimately, we were really caught off guard by seeing B again. It kinda put the loss right back in our faces. And knowing that at future ultrasounds we are going to witness this "vanishing" . . . ugh. I'm already dreading the next one. "Fetal demise" is the label we got. We saw loud and clear on 40-inches of flat screen hooked up to the ultrasound machine. Afterwards, Chris commented that medical people are so insensitive and callous sometimes--turn off the screen and then do your typing.

To add insult to injury, the check-out lady looked at our paperwork and said, "TRIPLETS!!!! WOW!!!" Chris very politely said, "No, not anymore. We started out with three but only have one now." The check-out lady said, "Whoo! That's a relief, huh? I bet you had to have a moment at first! That happened to my friend, too. She started off with three and then she had one!" I just didn't respond. There's no way to really explain to people that this was no accident, that we spent a ton of money and time to create these lives, that we treasured all of them, that we don't have an endless amount of chances at parenthood. She was a super nice lady, so I wasn't upset or anything; just . . . something . . . a sting, maybe.

Anyway, our meeting with the doctor went very well. We saw a different doctor in the practice and LOVED him. He was extremely sensitive and very knowledgeable about this specific situation. He recommended going to Duke Perinatal for another ultrasound in about two weeks to check things out in more detail. Because we miscarried 2 out of 3 in this pregnancy, he recommended we do the scan just to ease everyone's mind. So we'll see.

I can't begin to put into words how confusing this whole experience has been. I'll try and do a separate post later this week about some of that. We greatly appreciate all of the prayers and words of support--they truly mean so much and have always been so timely. Thank you.

Latitude and Longitude

Tomorrow, we go for another ultrasound--the 4th one so far--to check on things. I don't have anything profound to say about it . . . I don't know what to expect really, but I think I've been preparing for the worst. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst--that's our latitude and longitude today. The appointment is at 1:30, so I'll try and update later in the afternoon.

After Effects

Tonight, I was looking around online for a good website on Vanishing Twin Syndrome I could link in the sidebar. There honestly isn't too much variance in info out there. I got particulary interested in the effects of VTS on the surviving twin--this has been something that has been a little unsettled in my mind.

The doctor said everything would be fine with Baby A, but I am still a little hesitant to wholeheartedly believe that. At 10 1/2 weeks, we were past the "embryonic stage" (8 weeks) and most all of Baby B's systems were in place--immature, but in place. Logically, I can't understand how a body can be absorbed into another's blood supply and be 100% all right. (We were told we'd probably be able to see Baby B in the placenta of Baby A after he/she is born, but I don't know if I want to see that.) Thus, I have been a little concerned about the developmental effects of this on Baby A.

Back to my search. There is a lot of talk out there on the emotional effects of VTS on the survivor, and I have thought about that and how we will handle the issue with Noah and with Baby A. There is a school of thought that says early exposure to trauma and death, even in utero, can be life-altering. Anyway, here is what I uncovered about emotional effects on the survivors.

From: http://www.naturalhealthtechniques.com/SpecificDiseases/vanishing_twin.htm

Typical Personality Characteristics of the Surviving Twin:

Control Issues: The surviving twin often has control issues and it may be based on the premise that since they couldn't control what happened in utero, they are doing everything in their power to do so now.

Survivor's guilt: There is a lot of survivor's guilt for taking the nutrition from the vanishing twin, not being able to help prevent the death of the twin and viewing this resorption process in utero. Once identifying this occurrence, the patient must go through the grieving process like in any death of someone that means a great deal to them. They experience loss, guilt, grief and anger at being separated from the twin. Sometimes the survivor does not care if they live or die and may occasionally have thoughts of suicide.

No competition: Survivors don't usually like competitive sports unless they are competing against themselves. They subconsciously feel that if they compete with others, death may result. They want everyone to get along and work together.

Sabotaging relationships: Sabotaging happens when relationships start going too well. The superconscious/subconscious thinking is that if they get close to someone that they will be in danger and might die from the actions of the surviving twin. Because they love this person so much, they will push them away to protect them. They also seem to self-sabotage to make sure they have paid for what their role was that caused their twin to depart in utero.

Not deserving: The survivor often feels they don’t deserve all the good this world has to offer so they find ways to exclude themselves from receiving good. They are major givers, but not very accepting takers.

Money issues: These are motivated people. Because they do such good in the world, often money follows. The problem is that Vanishing Twins don't seem to be able to hold onto the money because they self-sabotage. Survivor's guilt prevents them from using the money for their own care. They give it away or let it flow through their hands, not keeping any of it for themselves.

Fascination with or friends with twins: Twins have a special energetic bonding with each other which lasts their entire lives. Just because your twin left you in utero, doesn't break that energetic bond. And if you don't feel your twin still around you, naturally you will be attracted to twin energy.

Feeling abandoned, left out, and excluded: These are the kids who get picked last for the team, who don't make friends easily and feel like other's can't relate to what they are going through. They are searching for close relationships but can't seem to find them. Often they would rather spend time with older people than kids their own age.

Low self-esteem, lack of self-love: This is one of the major Spiritual lessons that the survivor must work through before they can fully be the gift to the world that God intends. Low self esteem is intertwined with Unconditional Love of Self, Trust and Discernment, and Worthiness lessons.

Vanishing Twins are often in the Healing Field: Since they could not heal the situation in utero, they are intent on healing the world and saving others. There are lots of surviving twins who are massage therapists, doctors and nurses.

Vanishing Twins say or think, "I wish I could find somebody like me."

Other Weird Stuff: I actually had one woman I was working on take out a picture from her wallet to show me who her vanishing twin was. She explained that she believed in reincarnation and that she somehow felt attached to this man. When I asked her if she had ever met the man she said she hadn't, but that she felt compelled to cut his picture out and carry it around with her. At the time she had had the picture in her wallet for over two years.

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Kinda scary. I hate thinking that this baby is going to start off life "behind the 8 ball." Granted, the above info wasn't prefaced with any info on how parents addressed and handled the situation with the survivors, so maybe that has something to do with it. I'm so glad we have the petri dishes, my sister's photos, and the ultrasound pictures. I hope and pray those will help provide some sort of link or connection.

This may sound a little crazy, but I've often thought that Noah will be able to be some sort of connection. Any biological children we have were conceived at the same time. Here is a little something I wrote back in January, when we started this whole process. (I still can't believe we've been living this for almost seven months . . .)

1/5/09

To my baby(ies),

Today your daddy and I went to discuss the details of growing you into our arms, our home. I want you to know that we can't wait to meet you! I think of you often and dream of what you will become. Will you have light hair and light eyes like your big brother? What will make you laugh? What will our challenges be? What will your favorites be? Your potential is enthralling . . .

Know that I don't expect you to be just like Noah, though you will probably feel that way sometimes. You are a unique individual with a unique calling, a unique design. At the same time, you and Noah have a special, special bond. You shared those first whispers of life together, blossoming, growing together, and I know he will be glad to see you--you are familiar strangers. Unlike most people in this world, you and Noah started life independent of your mom and dad; you only had each other. I pray that you will continue to grow together, encouraging and supporting one another in this life.

You are a miracle I've treasured in my heart daily. Know that I love you very much . . . even now when all I can do is imagine your gummy smiles, sloppy kisses, midnight cries, and tiny toes. I can't wait to unlock the miracle you are.

Until then,

Mommy

So that's that. Sorry this is pretty wordy tonight. Just thinking . . .

Dreams . . .

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety"

(Psalm 4:8).

One of my great friends in the world sent me this verse today, and I am routinely amazed at how perfect and timely God speaks.

I have been having a recurring dream, and it goes something like this:

It is next Wednesday, and we are at the doctor for the next ultrasound. The gel is applied, and the ultrasound begins. All of a sudden, we see two babies on the screen. The ultrasound lady says that there must have been some mistake at the last ultrasound because right there are both babies, alive and well. It is then determined that the lifeless baby we saw last time was the triplet we already knew was not viable. We are shocked. We smile. We laugh. The doctor comes in and apologizes for the mistake, and then I wake up . . .

. . . with a sense of relief and thinking that things are really OK and last week wasn't really the worst week of my life.

It is a heavenly dream . . . until . . .

. . . I realize after a few seconds of relief that this is no way, no how going to happen. I go through in my head what we saw on the screen: a moving, very much alive baby and a still, small corpse; the steady flicker of a hearbeat and then nothing.

I've been having trouble falling asleep lately, and most of the time, I'm fighting the urge to embrace the impending dream as a possibility. And I'm dreading waking up from a truly wonderful dream.

Tonight, I will focus on a gift from the heart of God, sent through a dear friend:

"I will lie down and sleep in peace . . . "

Good night.

A

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Job 1:21

Today, I want to focus on the first part of the first sentence: the LORD gave. In the midst of our loss, we do have reason to be joyful, and here it is: our strong survivor, Baby A at 10 weeks and 2 days old. When we started the ultrasound, he/she was moving and wiggling around, healthy and strong. (You can see part of Baby B nestled up close on the left.)

This is a "real-life" photo of what he/she looked like at the time--fingers, toes, eyes, ears and all!

To my baby, my strong survivor,

Out of His grace, the Lord gave us you. Specially, specifically YOU. Never has something been more clear to me: YOU have something special to offer this world. Already, I'm so proud of you and all that you've overcome. You definitely have your daddy's strong survivor's spirit. The verse that came to my heart today is what I believe your first gift to us is: "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 6:3). We love you, we want you, and through our tears, we celebrate your precious life.

Love forever,

Mommy

Love That Hovers

From my amazing sister . . .

I put this chair outside to use for the lizard shot. I received some heartbreaking news from my sister and went outside the same night to find this shot! The flowers had literally wrapped themselves around the chair. I felt at peace knowing my sister was the chair.


The following is an excerpt from Therese Thurston's (my mom's sister) book called Art Songs & Poetry:

For those whose life has been mowed over by trials,

The dark clouds refuse to depart.

Hang on old on to hope until it takes a life of its own.

This is time when old stuff does not make sense.

Old prayers no longer comfort.

This is time for new mercies.

Constant grace.

And love that hovers.

~Therese Thurston

I am so, so, so grateful to everyone who has called, emailed, messaged, etc. to offer us words of encouragement, love, and support. I even had one of my student's parents email me to say God put me on her heart and that she had been praying for me. I can't even put into words how amazing it is to know that God is the God who sees. He is a God of new mercies, constant grace, and a love that hovers.

Glory Baby

Already, the existence of Baby B is fading fast from my body. The bump that began growing at six weeks is shrinking--I don't even look pregnant anymore. I guess it makes sense since 2/3 of the contents have/are disappearing. The nausea is lessening. The exhaustion is lifting. I'm starting to feel "normal" again physically. And "B" is disappearing . . .

We had dinner with friends last night. One of the two couples we were with didn't know about the pregnancy. Somehow, it came up, and the "Yes, I'm pregnant" conversation happened. Then, the questions about how I'm feeling, am I sick, etc. came up. It was sad to say out loud, "I'm starting to feel a lot better now." I know they probably thought I was crazy for not being happy/relieved or more excited about being pregnant, but I didn't have the energy to go through the whole story. This has to be the most conflicting, confusing experience ever.

Anyway, as much as this next part hurts to look at, I feel like I need to post it. They are Baby B's photos from the first ultrasound to Wednesday. We go back on the 24th for another ultrasound, but Baby B will probably be gone by then. Something about seeing the growth is cathartic--we really did have two growing babies. For that matter, at one point, we had three. Here is "B" and his/her amazing growth . . .

May 18, 2009

May 26, 2009

June 10, 2009

Glory Baby

by: Watermark

Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…

You were growing.

What happened, dear? You disappeared on us, baby…

Heaven will hold you before we do.

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you.

Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting.

We are hurting.

But there is healing

and we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

All things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like.

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…

all you'll ever know…

OK

Sometimes, I know that things are going to be OK.

• I'm going to come out of this fine--different but fine.
• I'm not going to live on the verge of tears.
• I'm going to be able to think about Baby A without feeling incomplete and sad.
• I'm going to be able to look at Wednesday's ultrasound photos without feeling crushed.
• I'm going to answer the emails, messages, and phone calls that have been so encouraging and very much appreciated and needed.
• I will be able to believe Chris' sincere, "It's not your fault."
• I will not feel so divided--my body is housing both death and life right now.
• I will not feel so guilty for telling our families. My dad sent me an email that made this part a little more bearable. Here is part of what he said: I want to thank you and Chris for letting us share for a brief time the joy of your expecting twins. Personally, I would have been very hurt in not having that blessing. Exactly what I needed to hear . . .
• I'm going to be able to plan for our single baby with joy.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

~Psalm 27:13

Different

One thing I can say for sure is that this whole experience is changing me. I can feel it happening but will probably not know how until much later. There are things that I thought and felt that I look back on and see differently now. It's almost like I knew something like "this" was going to happen all along.

I've said a zillion times that this time felt so different than my pregnancy with Noah. The certainty and full, complete joy were not there like they were with Noah. The doubt, however, was always there. I called all week last week to try and get into the ob early for this last ultrasound. Why? I felt like I needed that before I put the news on our family's blog and Facebook, told students, etc. It's funny how I just dismissed that as normal anxieties. It wasn't. I was knowing the truth of yesterday before I was told about it.

I thought about our petri dishes from the lab this morning and realized something different about them, the way they were separated . . .

My sister sent me a photo last week. She took it as a memorial for Noah's embryo and our vanishing triplet, but when I saw it, I felt differently about it. I can't explain how I felt it was different, but I just had a thought that something was different about this one. It is entitled "Swinging Somewhere" and I know what it means now and why I felt differently about it when I saw it . . .

To my babies,

I want to find the perfect words, but language falls so short today. I want you to know how much we wanted you, loved you, and celebrated you. You brought joy and amazement to so many, and you showed us the power of God. The selfish side of me wants you for me, yet I know that God's plan for you is so much better than the best of this world. I am so thankful that He allowed us to see you even though it is painful now. You left this world loved and celebrated, never having let anyone down or experienced pain, failure, disappointment, and rejection. How blessed you are to only know a warm, safe place and Heaven! I am so happy for you even though I am sad for me. I guess that's what being a mom is all about; I just never wanted to give you up this soon. We'll see you soon . . .

Love forever,

Mommy

Here

Here is what we were told:

(1) In vitro has higher miscarriage rates due to implantation problems. We never knew that, were never told that, etc. Had I known that, I would've been more careful on lots of levels.

(2) "Something" happened about a week ago. Genetic problem? Blood supply problem? We'll never know for sure. Just the elusive "something."

(3) We just have to wait it out for whatever to happen. I might bleed; I might not.


Here is what I am racking my brain trying to figure out:

(1) What happened about a week ago--did I do something wrong? How do things go from fine to not-fine?

(2) What signs did I miss a week ago?

(3) How do I find the joy for the remaining life?

(4) How do other women endure loss after loss after loss? I can't imagine.


Here is what I know:

(1) I am still pregnant with a gift from God.

(2) This is the path God has set before us for a reason, and He is good, His plans perfect.

(3) The emotion is heavy and confusing and exhausting and new.


And being Here is not easy because this Here goes with me everywhere . . .

I don't know how else to say this, so here goes: Baby B has died. I can't really process the emotion right now, but it is intense. Baby A is fine--alive and active. We have another ultrasound in two weeks. I'll try to update more later.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

~Job 1:21b

Success/On the other hand . . .

Chris' parents put the puzzle together within an hour of having it home and were equally as excited! I know they love being grandparents, so they are getting a double portion this time! The question we got was, "Does this mean what I think it means?" I guess it is pretty unbelievable when you're told your son may never have children!



Since they are on Facebook, our news became a status update and wall photo within the hour. I don't know that I was ready for that kind of broadcast, but alas . . .

Here is said Wall Photo entitled: "It's Twins, This is how we found out."

Comments from people we don't know:

You are kidding me!

That is so neat!

How creative . . .

WHAT!!!

Here is said status update:

Ira Straits
Well, papa will be having two more to play with. I love having grandkids! One of the best joys in life! The due date for the twins is January 4th. Pray for healthy Mom and babies. Lord, thank you for your blessings!


Chris' grandma wrote:
This means i get to be great-grandma to twins.Thank you Jesus! i hope one of them is a girl.Love you son and i am happy for them and you and Abbey




I love Facebook in that way--I can record the words straight from the source. On the other hand . . .


I'm going to put this here and try to be gracious about it, but someone responded to Chris' dad's status update in a way that stung a little bit:

"Wow!!! Twins!!! Better than triplets, that's for sure. Congrats!"


My first instinct was to comment back with, "Funny that you mention triplets. We had triplets, but one of them died."


I keep telling myself that I don't even know this person; she doesn't know us, she doesn't know the whole story, etc.


I've been very careful to never punish other people because of our situation. I know some people who have struggled with infertility get really "upset" with others for being able to get pregnant easily and then complaining about pregnancy ailments, etc. I never wanted to be that way. On the other hand . . .


Part of me, my inner-Mommy, wants to stand up for our triplet. Like I've said before, I believe that life had a purpose, and I got very offended at the suggestion that we're better off because he or she died. [Insert rational voice here: She didn't know about the triplet.]


I don't think twins are "better" than triplets. Easier on many levels? Probably. But not "better." [Insert rational voice: I think she probably meant "easier".]


I typed several responses to that, but I don't know that my heart is in the right place. I want to teach this lady a lesson--don't say things like that because you never know someone's situation. I wanted her to feel guilty for saying that, to feel the sting we did. The rational voice: She didn't know.


The mothering blog I follow Prayer of Hannah discussed kindness this week, and I'm so glad I read the posts on kindnes or I would've probably responded in anger. And out of a sense of entitlement. I think the kindest thing to do in this situation is say nothing . . . as difficult as it is . . .


Chris also put "the news" as his status update, which opened the door to a flood of messages, comments, etc. I wasn't ready for that. It is totally crazy how you can literally inform hundreds of thousands of people of your personal news with a status update, relationship status, wall photo, etc. (If you're on FB, you know what I mean.) I'm still not used to that, and as someone with control issues, this status-update business is uncontrolable. It's just plain crazy the power of such things . . .


I didn't mean for this post to turn into a diatribe on a status comment. Facebook is so good in that you can keep up with people with whom you would otherwise lose touch. On the other hand, it creates so much drama. Sigh.


ANYWAY, this was supposed to be about how Chris' parents took the news. The short of it is they are excited, thrilled, etc. These babies are so blessed to have so many people thanking God for them! What a gift!

Success!

The puzzle made it to SC right on time! And my mom, being a lover of puzzles, put it together in a timely fashion. She called me immediately and said in between peals of laughter, "I got your package . . . and I put together the puzzle . . . is it really true? You're really having twins???" She said, "I've always hoped one of you would have twins!" That was good to hear--I know she loves being a twin, and it's exciting to think about the relationship our twins will have with each other! My dad was excited as well in his own way--he said with a very clear smile, "Is that right?"

So far, the puzzle route was a huge success.

One more set of parents to go!

First "Normal" Appointment

Our first "normal" appointment at the regular ob was yesterday. It was pretty uneventful. They give you a bunch of paperwork, talk about appointment schedules, etc. The highlights of the appointment are as follows:

(1) They send all multiples pregnancies to Duke Perinatal for more intense screening and because they have better equipment. That takes place around 11-14 weeks and then 16-18 weeks. Both of those are coming up pretty soon! It's hard to believe the pregnancy will be a fourth of the way finished next week. I feel like I've pregnant a LONG time.

(2) We have an ultrasound with them next Wednesday at 8 am. The ob coordinator wanted it to be done sometime this week, but there were no appointments. I'm going to try and call and see if something opens up for this week. I just want to be sure our twins are continuing to grow OK, especially now that the puzzle is half-way to SC by now. I still have a little fear that something might happen . . .

(3) I had to explain, again, why the date of my last period doesn't matter. It's annoying because the nurse had her little wheel and still wanted to refer to it even though I told her that she can't use those dates. There is no mistaken about when we're due, how many weeks along I am, etc. This took a tad bit of the "normal" feel out of the appointment, but whatever . . .

(4) I was surprised that there wasn't much variation in the care with a twin pregnancy. I was expecting to have to go more often, but we won't have to unless there are problems. With the exception of the Duke Perinatal visits, everything else is normal.

(5) The weight gain for a twin pregnancy is crazy: 35-45 lbs. WHOA! I think I've already made a dent in that number, though.

(6) The amount of paper I left with was INSANE! Coupons, magazines, pamphlets, etc. mostly from formula companies nonetheless. I think it's all kind of unnecessary, actually. I appreciated the prenatal vitamin samples and the paperwork from the ob practice itself, but I could've done without the other stuff. (I don't have anything against formula, but I feel like women are bombarded with formula "stuff" from the doctor. I didn't get any pamphlets on breastfeeding, and I feel like women in the US turn to formula more often because we're presented with 3x the info on formula as opposed to nursing. Anyway, that's another post . . .)

I think that about covers it!